What you do habitually will determine the course and quality of your marriage. Habits are repetitive patterns of behaviour and they are powerful determinants of the direction in which our lives are headed. Sometimes we engage in habits unconsciously without recognising the harm they are doing. On its own, any one of the following three habits is dangerous enough to sink a marriage.
Comparison
Comparison is a natural tendency we all have as humans. As we grow up we learn to understand and codify the world around us by comparing. As children we compare slow and fast, soft and hard, big and small, so that we can make sense of the world around us. As we grow up, we start to use comparison to weigh options; we look at the pros and cons of two alternatives in order to arrive at a wise decision. Comparison can be good when kept in its proper context. There are however some contexts where comparison can be harmful and marriage is one of them. Marriage is based on the premise that you have weighed up all your options before you made a commitment. Once you’re married, comparison should no longer play a part in your thinking process regarding your spouse if you want to enjoy a satisfying marriage.
Comparison shows up in marriage when you find yourself estimating the similarities and differences between your spouse and someone else, whether it is a friend’s spouse, a friend, an ex or even a parent. At its worst, comparison means you have measured your spouse against the standard you believe another person has set and decided that your spouse is lacking. This kind of comparison is dangerous because it does two things to your mind. Firstly, it diminishes the uniqueness of your spouse in your eyes and subjects them to a standard they were not designed by God to meet. Secondly, it hinders your ability to be thankful to God for your spouse because it blinds you to all their virtues and strengths. All you will be able to see is how they fall short in relation to that other person whom you have set up as a standard.
If you have a tendency to compare your spouse to other people, stop for a moment and consider the damage you are doing to your marriage. The feeling of restless dissatisfaction you feel day in day out may well be because you have lost sight of what you have and have become obsessed with what you feel you don’t have. The cure for comparison is thoughtful thankfulness. A thankfulness that says my wife may not be the gourmet cook my mother was but she is caring, respectful and has stood by me in the toughest of times. A thankfulness that says my husband may not be the most romantic man on earth but he is faithful, considerate and he loves his family wholeheartedly. Thankfulness for what you have will enrich your marriage endlessly.
Competition
Competition is really just another form of comparison. It sneaks into a marriage when you compare yourself with your spouse and begin striving to establish superiority or supremacy over them. Without a doubt the world is full of competition; we all face it daily. We compete at school for top marks, compete in games for the prize, compete at work for a promotion. Healthy competition is not all bad because it sometimes helps us reach for standards we never thought we could reach. However, it can get exhausting when it enters the home arena. When you come home you should feel you have a place of refuge from a competitive world. What a tragedy to introduce the pressure of competition into your home. 2 Corinthians 10:12 makes it clear that, ‘…When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.’
A person who competes with their spouse has entirely missed the point of marriage. The scriptures declare that marriage is based on the premise that ‘the two shall become one’. Striving to establish supremacy over someone who is an integral part of you is an exercise in futility. To compete with your spouse is to defeat the purpose of marriage which is to complete each other. Marriage is based on covenant which means you place your individual strengths at each other’s disposal. Your spouse’s victories should be your victories and your spouse’s disappointments should be your disappointments. Competition has no place in marriage and unless it is eliminated a strong partnership will remain an elusive dream.
Contempt
Contempt is the third and most dangerous habit that needs to be eliminated from your marriage. Contempt is a deep-seated feeling that a person is worthless or beneath consideration. Another definition is disregard or disapproval tinged with disgust. Unfortunately this is an emotion that is encountered too frequently in marriage counselling situations. When a husband or wife has concluded that no good thing can come out of their spouse, the marriage has entered dangerous territory. It becomes very apparent in their communication and actions towards their spouse. So how does contempt enter a marriage?
It all begins with comparing your spouse to an imaginary standard and deciding that your spouse has fallen short of that standard. Contempt usually creeps in on the heels of disappointment. We set a standard for our spouse, realistic or unrealistic. They fail to meet that standard and we reduce our estimation of them just a little. This becomes a recurring pattern until respect is lost completely and is replaced by contempt. When contempt walks in, respect walks out because the two cannot co-exist.
It is not difficult to recognise contempt. When disagreements are no longer about the issue but have become all about the person, contempt has set in. Once contempt enters a relationship it becomes almost impossible for a person to do anything right in their spouse’s eyes. Every action they take is met with harsh judgement because of the underlying narrative of contempt.
So what is the remedy for contempt? It begins with eliminating unrealistic expectations. Many times that image in a person’s head of what their spouse should behave like is not grounded in reality. No human being is perfect so examine whether or not your ‘dream spouse’ is a realistic picture. Secondly, it is important to communicate your realistic expectations. Sometimes we assume our spouse should instinctively know what makes us happy without us having to communicate it. The reality is that no human being can anticipate your needs 24/7 and meet them on cue. It takes constant and open communication between a couple to establish a mutually satisfying relationship. Commit to communicating your needs respectfully with your spouse and eliminate contempt from your thought process and speech. If you feel like your realistic needs are not being met, despite trying to communicate with your spouse, that is the point at which to seek godly marriage counselling rather than allowing your marriage to go into a downward spiral.
Which of these habits have you subconsciously been engaging in?
What steps are you going to take to eliminate it?
