It’s not often that I title my articles in such a pointed manner; I usually favour a subtler approach in passing across the messages which I believe that God has laid on my heart regarding relationships and marriage. However, in recent days I have received a disturbing amount of mail from spouses whose hearts have been ripped apart by the infidelity of their marital partner which compels me to write this article.
There are two things that are particularly heart-wrenching about these cases. Firstly, these are couples who identify themselves as Christians, made vows before the Church that they would be eternally faithful to each other, and have a clear understanding of biblical standards for sexual fidelity. Secondly, these are not occasional sins where the partner has fallen, but is repentant and willing to change. Jesus Himself gave us an example in such situations; our responsibility as the Church when someone falls into adultery but is repentant is to chart a course towards forgiveness, restoration and restitution for such a person to prevent them from being consumed by the enemy of our souls. We are called, not to condemn but, to love such people back into a place of usefulness in God’s Kingdom.
What disturbs me is the impunity of partners who are caught in adultery, flaunt it in their spouse’s face and are determined against all odds to continue in their sin in flagrant disobedience to the God whom they profess daily. I have been particularly traumatized by revelations of husbands who openly display their indiscretions, expect their wives to live with their ongoing unfaithfulness, and subject them to physical abuse if they dare complain. Have we totally lost the fear of God?
I think it bears highlighting that God’s expectations have not changed regarding the sanctity of sex in marriage. It is well worth reading the book of Proverbs 5, one of many scriptures that make God’s views on adultery abundantly clear. It is a scripture that examines the full life-cycle of adultery from the moment it is first formulated in the mind, to the actual temptations that lead to it, the opportunities to avoid it, the act itself and the consequences, not only for the adulterer, but also for those closest to him or her. The final few verses in Proverbs 5:20-23 say it all.
‘My son, why get caught up in some other woman and embrace the breast of a stranger? You see, the Eternal sees our ways before Him. He watches every move we make and knows where those paths lead. The wicked will be snared by their own wrongdoing. Their flaws will tie their own hands, and they will be dragged through life by the cords of their sins. Because they have no discipline, their spirits die and their bodies will soon follow; because they are immensely foolish, they wander lost and confused.’
There is no kinder way to say this: Adultery is a fool’s game. That’s not just my conclusion – it is God’s. The deception, the shame, the hurt it causes to the spouse, the financial wreckage it creates, the legacy of confusion and distrust which it bestows upon the children caught up in such a situation begs the question, ‘Is it ever worth it?’ Infidelity is not just a bad habit; it’s a threat—a clear and present danger to everything that God has planned for your life. It violates your relationship with God, derails destinies, truncates trust in a relationship, afflicts the perpetrator with a guilty conscience and tears apart families that have been put together by God; the consequences go on and on. One is left asking, what is the payoff in adultery?
As with every other temptation in life, the devil highlights in vivid colour the purported benefits of straying outside the marriage bed. He dehumanises the cheated spouse so that the perpetrator is anaesthetised to the pain their unfaithfulness is causing. He convinces people that they deserve to be happy at any cost and justifies their unfaithfulness with a wide variety of reasons, including their spouse not meeting their needs. What is outside the home always looks infinitely more attractive until you actually get close up. Someone has wisely said that when the grass is greener on the other side it is time to water your own garden.
The reality is that when adultery enters a relationship, everybody loses in the final analysis. The cheated spouse’s loss is obvious; the pain of betrayal is a wound that only God can truly heal. Any children of the marriage find themselves in a traumatic situation with every childhood image of the ‘hero’ father or ‘heroine’ mother shattered into a million pieces. And what about the adulterer? Contrary to expectations, most adulterers do not end up in an exciting new relationship with their lovers. In fact, the reverse is the case. Studies indicate that roughly 90 per cent do not marry their lover. Of the remaining 10 percent who do marry them, 70 percent eventually separate. That in itself is not surprising because a relationship built on deceit will not have the strength to go the distance when real life kicks in. Besides, how can you place your trust in someone who is prepared to cheat with you? Anyone prepared to sin with you will surely sin against you at some point.
Make no mistake; the ‘thrill’ of a moment of infidelity will always give birth to a lifetime of regret. There are no gains to be had from an adulterous lifestyle. It is a losing game.
If you are caught up in the web of adultery, don’t wait to be found out. Enlist the help of an experienced counsellor who can guide you through the process of repentance and restoration.
If you have been devastated by the discovery of your spouse’s unfaithfulness, my next post ‘How to recover from the trauma of infidelity’ will offer you fresh hope.
