Marriage is a delicate balance of rights and responsibilities. It takes both working in harmony for a marriage to thrive. We all enter into marriage on the understanding that we have acquired certain rights when we said ‘I do’. We quite rightly expect our spouse to meet certain basic needs we have. However, we often don’t realise that focusing on our rights is not the healthiest approach to marriage.
Most couples who made it to the altar got there based on a singular focus on the wellbeing of their partner. Think back to your pre-marriage days and you will recall how much time you spent dreaming up ways to be good to your spouse-to-be. You wanted to understand what makes them happy; you poured a lot of creativity into meeting his or her needs; you listened carefully to their unspoken desires and found pleasure in meeting them. You made him or her feel special, treasured, cared for, and that’s what they signed up for when they said ‘I do’.
Fast forward several years later. Somewhere along the line a subtle shift has occurred and now you find yourself majoring on what your partner should be doing to please you, rather than what you were so good at doing – pleasing your partner. Do you constantly find yourself complaining about what your spouse is not doing that you find little motivation to do what you can do to make your spouse feel valued and appreciated? If so, that is a symptom of ‘rights disease’. You have contracted a malady that needs immediate attention before it snuffs the life out of your marriage.
One of the reasons why focusing on rights leads to failure in marriage is because our focus shapes our mentality. Marriage was not designed to function on a ‘getting’ mentality; rather the love of God finds its highest and best expression through us when we focus on giving. Marriage was not designed to be a self-serving enterprise where you extract the maximum benefit from your spouse and give little in return. The most inspiring marriages are created by two people serving each other selflessly. In Ephesians 5:21-28, God lays out the parameters for a healthy marriage.
21 Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.
22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favour—since they’re already “one” in marriage.’
It is instructive that God focuses on the responsibilities we have acquired through marriage, not the rights. He encourages husbands to focus on meeting their wives’ deepest need for sacrificial love and wives to focus on respectfully supporting their husbands’ leadership. Herein lies the secret to success in marriage. Paradoxically, I often find wives focusing on the scriptures addressed to their husbands and husbands constantly referring to the verses addressed to their wives, without paying attention to God’s instructions to them personally. Why spend your time reading someone else’s mail?
One unfortunate consequence of focusing on our rights in marriage is that it programs us to seek to enforce our rights. We use criticism, control and manipulation in a bid to get our spouse to do what we feel they should be doing for us. This means that God is no longer in control of our marriages; we are. Seeking to enforce your rights usually leads to a loss of peace in marriage. Are you trying too hard to protect your own interests? If you are expending your energy trying to get your wife to respect you or your husband to love you, you have missed the point of marriage. Give it a rest and give your marriage over to God. Focus on your own assignment within the marriage and let God work in your spouse’s life, teaching them how to treat you right. God will defend your rights when you focus on your responsibilities.
No one ever cultivated a great marriage by focusing on the thinking that says, ‘What’s in it for me?’ Great marriages are based on a ‘How can I serve you?’ mindset. Even Jesus, our Leader and Example made a clear statement that He came not to be served but to serve. That was how He won the world; by sacrifice, not by self-preservation. If all your thoughts regarding your marriage are centred on what your spouse should be doing to please you and meet your needs, you are living below the level of joy which is possible in marriage. Turn your marriage experience right-side-up today by asking yourself, ‘What can I do to serve my spouse?’ To borrow the immortal words of John F Kennedy, 35th President of the United States, ‘Ask not what your spouse can do for you; ask rather what you can do for your spouse’.
