Many years ago I read a book by Jack and Carole Mayhall titled, ‘Marriage Takes More Than Love’. This was so long ago that I cannot remember any details from the book but the title stuck with me. If you are thinking about spending your life with someone, what is the most likely question you would be asking yourself? If you are like most people, ‘Do I love him or her?’ would be the top thing on your mind. That’s a great place to start but I want to share with you five less-thought-about questions which you ought to ask yourself if you are contemplating spending your life with someone.
Do we respect each other?
Respect is one of the essentials which no marriage can survive without. Respect on both sides is crucial to a healthy relationship. No woman should ever place herself in a position where she marries a man she cannot respect. Marry a man who inspires you and whose judgement and wisdom you can trust. In the same vein, it is a mistake for a man to marry a woman whose opinions he does not genuinely value and whose uniqueness he cannot respect. His lack of respect for her will hinder her from being everything that God designed her to be in his life. Examine your relationship and ask yourself whether genuine respect is an underlying characteristic of your conversations and conduct on both sides. Love cannot thrive for very long in an atmosphere of indifference and disrespect.
Do we trust each other?
Trust is the bedrock of a stable marriage. In order to open up and truly love and be loved by someone, you must believe that your heart is safe in their keeping. Trust cannot be demanded; it is a gift that is earned. Before you bestow your trust upon someone, they must demonstrate that they are worthy of it. You should be able to trust that your partner’s word is their bond; that what they say and what they do are congruent. Trust is built on truth. When deception enters a relationship, regardless of how small, it tampers with the very foundations of that relationship. If your partner gives you cause to doubt their integrity when you are in a courtship, marriage will only magnify the problem. Whatever you do, do not compromise on this element of your relationship.
Are we committed to each other?
Are you prepared to say ‘Yes!’ to this person and close your eyes to all other possibilities for the rest of your life? And are they willing to offer the same level of commitment? Until you are both prepared to go all out for your relationship, the chances of survival in marriage are very slim. Every marriage needs a level of commitment which goes beyond a mere commitment not to divorce but rather draws out of us the willingness to do whatever it takes to make that marriage work; anything less than that will make marriage a wasted opportunity. If either of you is unprepared to make a red hot commitment to each other, you are better off walking away now than enduring the dissatisfaction of a lukewarm marriage.
Can I live happily with you if you never change?
Albert Einstein famously said, ‘Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.’ One of the most common mistakes that people make when choosing a partner is settling for someone they are not fully satisfied with in the hopes that said person will change sometime in the future to become more like what they want in a spouse. In making such a decision, they ignore the fundamental fact that human beings are notoriously resistant to change, especially when it is imposed. The baseline for a successful marriage is contentment. When you begin from that footing, it becomes easy to enjoy your partner’s strengths, of which there will be many, and accept whatever faults show up as they inevitably will. Your spouse is not a makeover project.
Am I ignoring any warning signals?
The previous point intersects with this question which borders on what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in a relationship. It is dangerous to overlook warning signals in a relationship in the interest of acceptance. There are certain behavioural patterns which are definite red flags in a relationship – verbal and physical abuse, addictions, infidelity, chronic irresponsibility, deception, deep-seated unforgiveness, vengefulness, violent tendencies, self-centredness, compulsive jealousy, uncontrollable rage – the list goes on and on but you get the picture. Any one of these character traits would render a marriage intolerable in a very short space of time. It would be simply perilous to ignore them. Get away as fast as you can from a relationship marred by dangerous flaws; ignoring warning signals is simply storing up trouble for the future.
PS. What do you think about these five questions? Read more in my book, Get Real, and share your comments on Facebook or Twitter.
