What are the signs of a couple likely to end up divorced and what can be done to turn the marriage around? In a study of newlywed couples, Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s foremost marriage researchers, discovered four patterns of communication which enabled him to predict divorce with 94% accuracy. By observing couples in his lab while they tried to resolve an ongoing disagreement Dr Gottman found that couples which frequently demonstrated four negative characteristics: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling in their communication were more likely to end up divorced. He found these patterns to be so powerful that he named them ‘the four horsemen of the Apocalypse’. It’s important to note that falling into any of these behaviours occasionally does not mean that a marriage is doomed to failure. However, if you find that these four characteristics have become habitual in your interactions with your spouse, something needs to be done to arrest them so that you can preserve your marriage. Even the most harmonious marriages experience conflict. It is not the incidence of conflict but rather how it is handled that determines the failure or success of a marriage. Let’s look closely at these negative patterns and how to eliminate them.
Criticism
Habitually criticising your partner is very different from occasionally raising concerns about your partner’s behaviour and how it affects you. We are all human so your partner cannot meet your every expectation 100% of the time. There is nothing wrong with identifying when your spouse’s behaviour causes you difficulty and helping your partner see how you feel about that specific behaviour. The problem arises when your communication becomes a personal attack on your spouse’s character. There’s a world of difference between saying, ‘I feel worried when you don’t call to tell me you will be late from work. I thought we agreed that we would keep each other informed when we are running late.’ and ‘You are so selfish and inconsiderate. You never think about how your behaviour affects other people. Is it too much to ask for you to call me and let me know when you will be late? You just don’t care enough, do you?’ The difference is very clear; the first is an expression of concern while the second is an assassination of character. When you attack your partner’s character, it makes them feel hurt, rejected and assaulted. It attaches the negative characteristic to them, communicating that that is how you see them as a person. Criticism expresses discontent with your partner as a person, not just the behaviour they have displayed.
One of the simplest ways to eliminate damaging criticism from your marriage is to start your statements with ‘I’ rather than ‘You’. Starting with ‘I’ helps you take responsibility for your feelings when you express discontent whereas starting with ‘You’ will almost always come across as an attack. Sentences beginning with ‘You’ almost automatically make people’s defences go up. ‘I felt hurt when you…’ is always more productive than saying ‘You hurt me when you…’ The difference is subtle but it can make the difference between your partner acknowledging your feelings and defending themselves rather than listening. Another pattern to avoid is using the words ‘never’ and ‘always’ when talking about your spouse’s behaviour. ‘Never’ and ‘always’ have such an air of finality about them that they suggest that your spouse is perpetually wrong. When you tell your spouse, ‘You never have dinner ready on time’ or ‘You always forget our anniversary’, it negates all the positive things they have done in the past and suggests they can’t satisfy you because they can’t do right in your eyes.
Contempt
When criticism is frequently used in your conversation with your spouse, it is usually not long before it degenerates into an attitude of contempt and disgust which seeps into your conversations. Contempt is simply viewing your partner with disrespect to the point where you begin to see yourself as being superior. It is a result of focussing on negative thoughts about your partner’s weaknesses for so long that you become blind to their strengths. Contempt expresses itself verbally through sarcasm, cynicism, mockery, verbal abuse, ridicule and hostile humour, as well as through non-verbal signs of disapproval like eye-rolling, head-shaking, hissing and sighing.
Picture a situation where your spouse accidentally backs into a pole while reversing out of a parking bay. If your response is to shake your head in disbelief and mutter, ‘What kind of person does not know that they should check their blind spots while reversing?’ you are succumbing to an attitude of contempt. The implication is that you are somehow superior because you would never make such a mistake. Contempt needs to be actively replaced with acceptance and respect for your partner. Cultivate an atmosphere of fondness and admiration in your home. Your spouse may not be as good as you at some things but he or she is bound to be very good at others so celebrate their strengths and minimise their weaknesses.
Defensiveness
We are all prone to being defensive when we face contemptuous behaviour. It is always easier to come up with excuses than to admit that we blew it, so we search for reasons to justify our behaviour rather than taking responsibility for it. Defensiveness escalates when, not only do we advance excuses for our behaviour, but we go a step further and blame our spouse for making us act that way. Picture Adam and Eve in the garden. Defensiveness is simply a subtle way of telling your spouse, ‘I’m not the one with a problem here; you are!’ Unfortunately, defensiveness does not solve anything; it only causes the problem to escalate further.
Let’s say that you normally pay the telephone bill but for some reason you forgot. A few weeks later you receive an angry demand letter threatening to cut off your service. When your spouse asks what happened, you have the option of explaining, ‘Sorry I forgot. I was so busy during that period.’ A defensive response would be, ‘You knew I was too busy to remember. Why did you not do it for me or remind me?’ Turning the tables on your spouse will not make the problem go away so simply accept responsibility, apologise and move on. The other side to defensiveness is that we should learn to be graceful about our spouse’s mistakes. If your spouse knows that you will be accepting of his or her errors, they will be more likely to take responsibility than to shift blame.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner becomes so overwhelmed by the negativity created by criticism, contempt and defensiveness that they literally switch off from interacting with their spouse. When a spouse begins to ‘stonewall’ in an interaction, they will ignore their partner, refuse to respond, turn away or simply act like they’re busy doing something else. They might even say that they are not prepared to discuss a particular topic again, even though the matter is unresolved. Stonewalling is most often used by the less-verbal partner in the marriage, typically the man, and this habitually evasive behaviour and unresponsiveness makes his wife even angrier.
Evading a problem is like burying your head in the sand because the problem does not go away. Difficult issues in your marriage need to be confronted and dealt with in a manner that is satisfactory to both parties. If you need to take a break from a discussion to calm down, by all means do so. Agree with your spouse that you will both take at least half an hour to calm down. During that period refuse to focus on negativity; do something calming and soothing and then resume the conversation in a reasonable fashion. Talk through your issues calmly, focussing on resolution, not vindication. There’s no point in winning the argument if you lose your marriage in the process. These destructive communication patterns can be replaced with positive, healthy communication which will enhance your marriage.
Which of these four predictors do you need to eliminate from your home? What practical steps are you going to take to improve the way you communicate with your spouse?
