A group of kids was asked what they thought about how to decide who to marry. 10 year old Kristen confidently responded, ‘No person really decides before they grow up whom they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.’ Finding love is not a happy accident over which you have no control. God gives us guidelines as to whom to marry but He expects us to participate in the process of finding a mate.
Be intentional about whom you choose to spend your life with. Ask the right questions when weighing up your options. Questions are God’s gift to bring clarity to our decision making process but we must ask the right questions to get the answers we need. It is not enough to ask yourself, ‘Are we in love?’ This is where most people begin but we need to take our questions further if we want our love to endure. Most people who got divorced today were in love once upon a time so here are five questions to help you probe further.
Are we spiritually compatible?
Spiritual compatibility will influence the quality of your relationship more than any other single factor. It is impossible to live in harmony with someone with opposing values and ideologies unless one of you consistently betrays their own values for the sake of the relationship. If your relationship with God means something to you, it is hard to see why you would choose to commit your life to someone with whom you cannot share that. Unchecked emotions often influence us to make choices against our better judgement. If you find yourself trying to justify a relationship with someone who does not share your passion for God, take a step back and ask yourself whether the sacrifice of your values today will be worth it ten years down the line. What is your relationship with God worth to you?
Are we heading in the same direction?
Life is a journey in the pursuit of your God-given destiny. We were all made for something bigger than ourselves. Your ability to do what you believe God wants done with your life hangs in the balance when you are choosing a partner. What if Mother Theresa had married Adolf Hitler? If your dream means anything to you, marry someone who will support you in its fulfilment, and someone whose dreams you can support. Your partner should be your greatest cheerleader, not a dream-killer. We all have different but equally legitimate life dreams; marry someone whose goals closely match yours.
Are we better together than we are apart?
Not everything good goes together. I like chocolate ice-cream and chicken chow mein but not in the same plate! Your partner should complement you. We all have our strengths and weaknesses so marry someone whose strengths you can celebrate and whose weaknesses you can overlook. Someone described marriage as an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. The key to an enduring relationship is to marry someone who is strong where you are weak – and is willing to use their strengths to compensate for your weaknesses. If both partners approach marriage from that perspective rather than attacking each other’s weaknesses, you will be stronger as a couple than you would have been individually.
What are those closest to you saying?
Marriage is a community project. Your community is not qualified to decide whom you should marry but you will learn a lot by listening to the people God has placed in your life. Emotions can blind us and there is nothing like a good dose of cold counsel to bring us back to reality. Don’t underestimate the part that godly parents, siblings and friends can play in helping you make the right decision. Ultimately the choice is yours and you will have to live with it but don’t discount the opinions of those closest to you simply because they don’t line up with what you want. If everyone who cares about you thinks this person is not good for you, at the very least take a step back and ask yourself whether you are being blinded by emotion. A word of caution: make sure the people you are listening to are invested in your success. Counsel is only as good as the person giving it.
What is God saying?
If everything else seems right but you sense deep in your heart that a relationship is not right for you, it may well be that God has other plans for you. Many Christians struggle with the concept of hearing God because they don’t understand how God speaks. The reality is that God’s leading is rarely spectacular; He leads us by relationship. A wink and a nod can speak volumes when you are with a close friend; so God nudges us in our hearts with a word or an impression. The closer we get to Him, the more attuned we become to His way of thinking. God sees the future; we don’t, so if He leads you to back off it can only be for your ultimate good.
P.S. What other questions do you think are crucial to recognising your soulmate? Share your thoughts on Facebook or Twitter.
