It doesn’t take an expert to know that men and women are very different. What we often don’t pay attention to is that those differences mean that what a husband needs from his wife is quite different from what a wife needs from her husband. Our tendency is to try to express love to our spouse in the way we would like to be loved. Unfortunately that is never a successful strategy. Don’t make the assumption that your husband should be satisfied because you are giving him what you want to receive from him. Here are the top four needs that every husband has.
He would rather be unloved than disrespected
Respect is huge with men. Men need love just like women do but a man can cope with not being loved much better than he can cope with not being respected. If your husband had to choose between love and respect, he would choose respect any day. There is something in the way that God wired men that makes them crave to be respected, especially by their wives. Your husband will listen for respect in your voice, look for respect in your eyes and watch your body language for respect. Any hint of disrespect makes a man close up to his wife which is one of the reasons why men never respond to nagging, even if they know their wife is right. Anything that suggests to a man that his wife feels he is incompetent, inadequate, or his judgement cannot be trusted, will draw strong resistance from him. Your husband needs to know that you admire and respect him, that you value his opinions and that you see the good in him, even when others don’t.
Use your words to communicate your respect for your husband, both in his presence and his absence. Celebrate his achievements and express your appreciation for everything he does. Also, give him permission to make mistakes. Some women act like it is their God-given mission to prevent their husband from making mistakes so they try to control his behaviour by nagging. Give your husband the freedom to make decisions and support him in those decisions. If you disagree with the choices he is making, state your reasons clearly and respectfully and then turn the matter over to God. 1 Peter 3:1-2 puts it this way, ‘In the same way, wives, you should patiently accept the authority of your husbands. This is so that even if they don’t obey God’s word, as they observe your pure respectful behaviour, they may be persuaded without a word by the way you live.’ Men are more easily persuaded by respectful behaviour than nagging words.
Prioritise his sexual needs
Most men are more sexual than their wives; only 20% of women report a higher sex drive than their husbands. This is usually one of the first shocks that newly wedded wives encounter. It is a mystery to many women why their husband desires sex so frequently, so they convince themselves that there must be something wrong with him. The reality is that your husband is perfectly normal. Some women assume that sex should only happen in a marriage when you both feel like it. If you wait until your sexual desires coincide, you will have sex infrequently because a woman’s sexual desires tend to be cyclical. This will mean that you have a very frustrated husband as the only godly way he can satisfy his sexual needs is with you.
So how should a wife respond to her husband’s sexual needs? A man’s sexuality is intrinsically linked to his self-esteem so it matters to him that his wife accepts him as he is and makes an effort to meet his needs. Rather than criticising your husband’s needs, you will take a quantum leap forward in your relationship when you deliberately begin to act more sexual than you feel. If you are pro-active about your sex life, you will be more deliberate about how you plan your days so that you are not always too exhausted to have sex. Women lead very busy lives and it is very easy to get so sucked into work, your children’s needs, church and family commitments, that you habitually have no energy left for your husband. That is a dangerous place to be in your relationship. Your husband should be your number one priority after God. If you need to reduce other commitments to be available to him, do it. Investing in your love life will pay dividends in all other areas of your marriage. Also, depending on your upbringing, you may have been programmed to think that being open about your sexual desires is not something women should do. Marital sex is a holy and beautiful thing and it boosts your husband’s self-esteem to know that you desire him sexually and are not just tolerating him.
He needs your help
As capable as your husband is, there are so many ways in which you can enrich his life and multiply his productivity. If he was self-sufficient, you would be irrelevant in his life. Remember that when God made Eve, He made her because He knew that Adam needed a helper. Your husband is well aware of the gaps in his life and every man’s hope is that his wife will be able to fill in those gaps. This means that rather than complaining about your husband’s inadequacies, you are called to compensate for them wherever you can. This is what makes a husband and wife team stronger together than either of them would have been apart. You each have your strengths and weaknesses. When you both compensate for each other rather than competing with each other, the true beauty of marriage becomes apparent.
Study your husband. Where can you step in and help him make things happen without making a fuss? Partner with him to create a well-managed, peaceful home environment that you can both enjoy. A restful home environment is a shelter from the pressures of the world and will help him stay productive and focused.
He needs your encouragement and support
Your husband needs your encouragement and support to be able to fulfil His God-given purpose. There is something about a supportive wife that gives her husband renewed energy whenever he faces difficult situations in life. In sport, ‘home advantage’ relates to the advantage sporting teams have when they play in their home territory with their loyal fans cheering them on. This gives them the added impetus to play well and win because they are surrounded by fans who believe in them. You should be your husband’s greatest fan, giving him that ‘home advantage’ and believing in him when nobody else does.
Support your husband with your words, actions and prayers. Let him know that you will always be there to support him and that you will always be loyal to him, in his presence and in his absence. You will have your husband’s heart and confidence when he knows he can trust you to always be on his side, no matter what life throws at him.
Watch out for my next post, ‘Four things your wife needs from you’.
