Mutually satisfying sex is a crucial aspect of a happy marriage. Sex was created by God to be a source of pleasure for married couples. Yet, for some couples, sex was great in the first few years of marriage but great sex has now become a dim memory of the distant past. For others, it has actually become an area of anxiety and frustration. This could happen for any number of reasons: conflict in other areas which spills over into a couple’s sex life, disagreements over frequency or technique, time pressures, misplaced priorities or even medical difficulties. It is often said that sex is a barometer for what else is happening in a relationship. Sex is such an intimate experience that it is often the first casualty when there are other problems within a marriage.
A healthy sex life is never a happy accident; it takes effort and investment. Complacency is not a viable option when it comes to your sex life as a couple as this will only lead to frustration and resentment. If there are deeper issues leading to sexual dysfunction in a marriage, they need to be handled prayerfully and pragmatically with the help of a counsellor. When you are intentional about your sex life, it demonstrates that you place value on each other. If you invest in your sex life, you will reap the reward of a passionate, mutually satisfying marriage. Here are three practices that will boost your sex life immeasurably.
Commit to meeting your partner’s needs
Never, ever use sex against your partner. Sex was made for you to pleasure your spouse, not punish them. When something that God created for your mutual satisfaction becomes a bargaining chip for resolving wider conflict in your marriage, its beauty becomes tainted with negative connotations. If there are difficulties in your marriage, they need to be addressed squarely rather than withholding sex to send a message to your spouse.
When you chose marriage, you chose to willingly hand over the rights you had over your body to your spouse. Your body is therefore no longer your own. 1 Corinthians 7:4-5, puts it this way, ‘In marriage neither the husband nor the wife should act as if his or her body is private property—your bodies now belong to one another, and together they are whole. So do not withhold sex from one another, unless both of you have agreed to devote a certain period of time to prayer. When the agreed time is over, come together again so that Satan will not tempt you when you are short on self-control.’
God considers sex in marriage to be so important that even when He talks about abstaining so that you can spend time with Him in prayer and fasting, He makes it clear that abstinence should be for a time-limited period and by mutual agreement. If God places priority on a consistent sex life, so should we.
Consider it an honour to meet your spouse’s needs
Satisfying sex is about mutual service and mutual satisfaction. Your chief goal in sex should be to meet your spouse’s needs; your needs should be secondary on your mind. Understanding and meeting your spouse’s sexual needs is an honourable act of service to which you have the exclusive right. Sex is what separates you from being merely friends or room-mates. Other people can do all sorts of other things to help and bless your spouse – talking to them, encouraging them, making meals for them, driving them to places, taking care of them physically – but you are the only one who can righteously meet your spouse’s sexual needs and this is not a privilege to be taken lightly.
1 Corinthians 7: 2-4 [MSG] has these powerful words to say. ‘Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.’
Seek to satisfy your spouse’s needs, rather than viewing them as a burden. There are obvious differences between men and women regarding what they want out of sex. Wives require emotional connection with their husbands in order to enjoy sex. They need to be valued, cared for and cherished and this makes them physically responsive. Men generally approach sex from a more physical angle; their need for frequent sex is as real as their need for food and a responsive wife makes them feel respected and valued. A man feels most emotionally connected to his wife after satisfying sex while his wife feels the need to connect with him emotionally by talking and this makes her ready for sex. It is tempting to brush off your spouse’s needs because that’s not what you need but focussing on your own needs will not deliver to you full satisfaction. Real satisfaction comes from serving your spouse and meeting their needs. When both partners are intent on outdoing each other in service, sex becomes as exciting as God designed it to be.
Talk about sex
Sex can be such a sensitive topic that your ability to talk about it is an indicator of how good communication generally is in your marriage. If you are able to talk about sex freely and maturely as a couple, that is probably an indicator that your communication is good. If you are unable to talk about sex at all or each time you talk about it an argument results, it is safe to say that your communication as a couple is probably not great in other areas. Sex in marriage is such an important topic that you simply cannot afford not to discuss it. Proverbs 13:17b [TLB] says, ‘…Reliable communication permits progress.’ This is true in all areas of life including your sex life as a couple. If you don’t talk about sex, you leave room for assumptions, misinformation, misunderstanding and consequently frustration.
Your spouse is not a mind-reader so don’t expect them to know what your needs are if you’re not prepared to communicate. If there are barriers to you enjoying your sex life as a couple, talk about them openly and sensitively; seeking solutions without being judgemental. When you discuss your needs and difficulties, likes and dislikes, what turns you on and what turns you off – in a mutually supportive environment – you can begin to make progress towards a deeper understanding of each other and how to get the best out of your sex life. If you’ve never done it before, choose the right moment when you’re both feeling relaxed and open up. You may be amazed at where that might lead you!
Which of these steps are you going to take this week to boost your sex life?
