So you have a difference of opinion with someone you love? Conflict is inevitable in a relationship and it can help you grow, if you know how to manage it effectively. Here are my top tips to help you sort issues out constructively.
Recognise anger and bring it under control
You may not be able to avoid feeling angry but you are solely responsible for how you react when you are angry. Many things are said and done in anger which we later regret. If things are getting heated between you and your partner, it might be sensible to call time-out until both of you have cooled off sufficiently to be more objective about the issue at hand.
Revisit the issue as soon as possible
Don’t allow unresolved anger to poison your relationship. Avoidance is not a constructive option. If you keep sweeping things under the carpet, eventually the pile of grievances will become so high that the relationship will self-destruct. Value your relationship enough to make an effort and resolve issues.
Take the initiative for reconciliation
Pride prevents us from making the first move towards reconciliation. It takes maturity to be able to reach out in the midst of hurt and misunderstanding. Be the one to make the first move.
Attack the problem, not the person
You and your partner need to stay on the same team, no matter what. It should never be ‘me against you’. It should always be ‘us against the problem’. Remember, your partner is not your problem. As soon as you begin to view your partner as the embodiment of the problem, reconciliation becomes much more difficult.
Avoid digging up the past
Are you one of those people who get historical in a disagreement? Rehearsing every little thing your partner did to hurt you in the past only complicates the issue at hand. It is also evidence of an unforgiving heart. If God was counting our past against us, we would not stand a chance with Him. Focus on the present.
Focus on solutions
Don’t overbeat the issue simply because you want to make your partner feel guilty. Make your feelings known as clearly and calmly as possible, and once that is done focus on what will make things better. Discuss workable solutions rather than rehearsing the problem and playing the blame game.
Admit when you are wrong, apologise even when you think you are right
Both parties in a disagreement should be willing to own their own contribution to the conflict and apologise for it. Nobody is ever one hundred per cent right. Even if you were only one percent wrong, own your one percent and apologise for it. This is therapeutic because it keeps us humble and prevents us from being judgemental and feeling justified. Unwillingness to apologise means you value your pride above your relationship.
Be a good forgiver
Extend forgiveness willingly. Don’t try to make your partner pay for the hurt you feel they have caused you. Forgiveness is as much for your benefit as it is for theirs so don’t wait until they have grovelled for days before grudgingly forgiving. Remember, tomorrow it could be your turn to seek forgiveness. Besides, God has forgiven you so much so what justification do you have for being unforgiving?
Once the situation is resolved, put it behind you
Forget it. Don’t keep reliving the situation each time you see your partner. Take control of your mind. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.
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