Each one of us has our own private concept of love – how it happens, how it is experienced, what it’s all about. This concept forms over the years as we grow up and make deductions from our family background, the opinions of people around us, the media and our experiences. All these factors combine with our personal disposition to frame our concept of love. Your concept of love is like a blueprint or a building plan. It determines how you go about building your relationships, how you run your relationships and your capacity to experience love. A healthy love concept gives birth to a healthy love life.
So it is that some people have embraced the misconception that love is blind. We don’t say it but we act it. We act as if love has nothing to do with reasoning and objectivity. Falling in love is considered to be an involuntary, irrational thing that just happens to us. As a result, we don’t exercise due diligence in choosing a life partner; feelings and feelings alone dictate whom we should marry. If we feel a certain way about someone, we assume it means we are in love with them. If we are in love with them, we conclude we should marry them. To top up the misconception, we expect that once we marry them, things will simply work out because we are in love. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way.
The reality is that it is supremely easy to ‘fall in love’ with someone who is not good for you. Falling in love is simply an alternative expression for attraction, not a guarantee of lifelong commitment. Most people who will end up divorced this year fell in love once upon a time. True love is not blind but sometimes people make blind decisions based on feelings. There are three feelings you need to avoid if you intend to make smart love decisions:
Infatuation – When we are blinded by an image of a person we cannot see the reality of who they are. Infatuated people see what they want to see in a person, even if it is not really there. If every godly person around you can see the glaring flaws in your relationship but you cannot, take a step back and look again. Consider the counsel of Proverbs 14:15. ‘The naive or inexperienced person [is easily misled and] believes every word he hears, but the prudent man [is discreet and astute and] considers well where he is going.’
Desperation – When we are blinded by haste we make desperate decisions which are not in our best interests. We let the fear of missing out lure us into a relationship that saps the life out of us. Do not permit your desire to find love to outweigh your commitment to finding it God’s way. Proverbs 19:2 provides wise counsel in this respect. ‘Desire without knowledge is not good, and to be overhasty is to sin and miss the mark.’ Setting deadlines for God as to when we must be married is a symptom of desperation not trust; it does not give room for God’s plans to mature in our lives. Only in hindsight do people realise that no marriage is far better than a painful marriage.
Passion – When we are drunk with the wine of passion, our focus is blurred and our insight becomes distorted. Sex with someone you are not married to changes everything in that relationship and not for the better. Once the sexual dimension enters a relationship, emotional entanglement is reinforced and there is a tendency to let go of all your ideals and settle for what is in hand. You need a clear head and a pure heart to make godly decisions about whom to marry. Don’t sacrifice your future on the altar of a moment of present pleasure.
The God who gave you a heart also gave you a head. Use it when making love decisions. Feelings are not conclusive – they come and go, so go beyond your emotions and check things out before you commit to someone. There are four things you can do to make smart L.O.V.E decisions.
L – Listen
Don’t make uninformed decisions about a person. If you are going to make a conclusive decision about someone you must learn about them, and one way to learn is to listen. Forget about sweet nothings and aimless talk. Ask them pointed questions about things that matter to you and listen carefully to how they respond. Listen and try to assess their convictions, motives and values. Listen also to the godly counsel of those whom you trust to have your best interests at heart. Above all, listen intently to God’s instructions in His word and His directions in your heart.
O – Observe
Somebody once said that ‘If love is blind, marriage is a real eye opener’. We tend to look at someone through tinted glasses before we are married; once we are married we pull out the magnifying glass and begin to scrutinise them for faults. We should do the exact opposite. Carefully observe a person before you choose to marry them. Don’t just spend time alone with that person; watch them in their natural habitat and around their friends and family. Observe what kinds of friends they keep. Watch how they respond to pressure and how they treat others. God makes it clear that we tend to look at the appearance but He looks at the heart. Ask Him to help you see as He sees.
V – Verify
Ronald Reagan famously said, ‘Trust, but verify.’ Get to know a person’s friends, family, and pastor – anyone who really knows them. Until then all you have is unsubstantiated testimony. There is a reason that bankers and employers ask for references. Marriage is a lifelong decision so take your time to verify who you are dealing with. Introduce them to people who matter to you and be open to receiving counsel. It is pointless to gather unverified information about a person. Proverbs 11:14 declares, ‘Where there is no [wise, intelligent] guidance, the people fall [and go off course like a ship without a helm], but in the abundance of [wise and godly] counsellors there is victory.’
E – Express
Any person you have to pretend for will be a lifelong burden not a blessing. Open up and see how they respond. Don’t hide your convictions to secure a relationship. Anything you compromise to keep, you will eventually lose. Share your faith, values, dreams and life story, and observe the feedback. Open up about your triumphs and failures and see how they react. Be honest about yourself and see if this person values you for who you are. If they don’t, they simply don’t deserve you.
