I have been married for over 21 years and I can honestly say that I am more in love with my husband now than ever before. This morning I was reflecting on why that is and why we still have such a satisfying marriage 21 years down the road. If I had to choose again, I would choose my husband over and over again in a heartbeat. Is it because he is perfect or I am perfect or my marriage is perfect? By no means. I enjoy my husband so much because I am free to be his dream-maker and I never feel like I’m his debtor.
Every marriage starts off with a picture of a desired future. Take a look at your wedding photos and cast your mind back to that moment at the altar when you were looking into each other’s eyes and saying those vows. What were you thinking? The reality is you weren’t really focused on the moment. You weren’t thinking about the ‘here and now’. You were caught up in the possibilities of the future. When you said ‘I do’, you were picturing what your marriage was going to be like, how your spouse was going to behave, how they were going to treat you and what future you were going to enjoy together. You were full of dreams.
You felt like you were so right for each other because of the beauty of the future you saw. Maybe you imagined him running his own company, coming home on time every evening, helping out with the kids and the home without being asked, bringing home lots of money and romantic surprises, and taking you on wonderful trips around the world. Or maybe you imagined her being an exciting companion, always in a good mood, ever ready to listen to you and see your point of view, prepared for sex six days out of seven, keeping a spotless home and having a hot meal on the table whenever you got home. Those were your dreams.
For many couples, somewhere between ‘I do’ and your first marital argument your desires have transitioned from the realm of dreams and crystallised into expectations. ‘This is what a wife should do’ or ‘This is how a husband should behave’ becomes the script that runs your marriage. Every time your spouse fails to meet your expectations your estimation of them drops just a little bit. You have become habitually critical of him or her in your mind. They have disappointed your expectations and therefore you no longer esteem them as highly as you used to. Inch by inch your marriage moves out of covenant territory where you loved selflessly and unconditionally into contract territory where your expectations must be met or else war breaks out. Your spouse is obliged to live up to certain expectations because that was the deal, that was the bargain, that was the agreement. At what point did you lose the wonder of being married to your spouse? It was the point at which you started to think ‘My spouse owes me’.
I can hear the gears in your mind turning as you ask the obvious question: ‘Is it wrong to have expectations? After all, we talked about this before we got married.’ ‘This is what my husband promised.’ ‘I married my wife because I was led to believe my expectations would be met. Now she is a disappointment’. I get all of that but look at it from this perspective. Two things happen when you live in the realm of expectations.
Firstly, you place an enormous burden upon your spouse’s shoulders because they constantly have to work to earn your approval. The spontaneity of love is lost as your spouse struggles to meet up to your legitimate expectations so that they can get an ‘A’ or ‘B’ on their report card. The joy of loving unconditionally is lost.
Secondly, you lose the ability to be thankful to God for your spouse and appreciative of your spouse because everything they do for you is because they ‘owe you’, not an expression of love. He brings home money but you are not thankful because your mind-set is ‘That’s just what husbands should do’. She serves you a good meal and you plough through it in silence without a word of appreciation because ‘That’s just what wives should do’. When last did you drop down to your knees and thank God for bringing your spouse into your life? When was the last time you said ‘Thank you’ to your spouse for the little things they do to make your life comfortable? If the very thought of saying ‘Thank you’ to your spouse fills you with discomfort, that is clear evidence that you are firmly planted in the land of expectation. Your spouse is no longer your dream maker; they have become your debtor. They owe you and if they don’t pay up they pay the price.
The gifts we are most appreciative of are the ones that we don’t expect. When a person fulfils one of your dreams, you are so grateful because it was never an expectation. Conversely, if you feel they are merely meeting an expectation, there is no value ascribed to that because they’re just doing what is required. They are not making your dreams come true; they are simply paying what they owe you.
‘So what should I do with all my legitimate dreams and desires?’ you ask. 1 Peter 5:7 TLB addresses this dynamic and provides an answer. “Let him (God) have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you.” Take all your needs, desires, hopes and dreams to God and lay them on Him, rather than on your spouse. God cares about your dreams and desires. If you have given them to God, you will no longer feel the need to try to extract them from your spouse which is an exercise in futility. Communicate your needs to your spouse but look to God to see them fulfilled. When both parties in a marriage focus their expectations on God, that is the beginning of a ‘debt-free marriage’. Your spouse is free to serve you, not because they owe you but because they love you.
If you want to experience all the joy that God designed for you to have in marriage, it starts with winding back your expectations and returning to the realm of dreams. The reality is that no marriage can thrive under the weight of another person’s expectations. I love my marriage so much because I don’t have to live up to my husband’s expectations. I am not perfect but he appreciates every little thing I bring into his life, so I can be free to be his dream maker and love him selflessly. He doesn’t owe me anything but I’m grateful for everything he does to make my dreams come true. He is my dream-maker.
