What a wonderful world it would be if we all did not insist on having our own way. Wars have been fought, nations destroyed and families annihilated because of stubborn, selfish ambition. There is something in every human being that makes us want to protect our own interests. It shows up even in the tiniest of babies. It is a residue from our fallen nature inherited from Adam. We all want to have our own way.
The degree to which we are able to subdue and conquer this tendency towards selfishness will determine how successful we will be in our relationships. No one likes to hang around someone who must always have the final say. It is uncomfortable living with someone with a bloated ego which says ‘I am always right!’ We all like to be around people who consider our point of view and value our perspective. We have an innate, God-given tendency to gravitate towards respect.
Marriage, as God designed it, functions at its best when husbands and wives have a yielding attitude towards each other. Philippians 2:4 is clear in this regard, ‘Let each of you look out not only for his own interests but also for the interests of others’. Exceptional marriages are forged in the crucible of selflessness, as we aim to put our spouse’s interests before ours. Having a yielding disposition towards each other uproots seeds of discord in your home. When your spouse is always looking out for your best interests, it eliminates the need to defend yourself and fight for your rights. Each partner is called to defend the benefits of the other, not just what is beneficial to self.
Jesus upturned the entire concept of leadership in one of His final exchanges with His disciples. In an act that defied reasoning and permanently redefined leadership, He took up a servant’s position, knelt, and washed His disciples’ dirty feet. The whole scenario was uncomfortable, as Peter outspokenly pointed out. This underscored the eternal truth that godly leadership is an uncomfortable thing because it messes with our preferred model of leadership as human beings. One that is oppressive rather than supportive. Husbands are called to godly leadership in the home and when a man gains an understanding of true Christ-like leadership, he will demonstrate a love that is giving, not demanding.
Submission does not mean not having a mind of your own. It is not an excuse for abdicating personal responsibility and not participating fully in the marriage partnership. It is simply a voluntary act of yielding to and seeking reasons to agree with your spouse, rather than being disagreeable. Ephesians 5:21 puts it succinctly. ‘Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another’. This is a requirement that is not gender or role specific. It is a basic rule of life and the foundation of a mutually rewarding marriage. But what do you do when there is a stalemate in your home? Two people cannot have the same point of view all of the time. At some point, there are bound to be issues about which you don’t see eye to eye and can’t seem to come to a mutually acceptable resolution. This is the point at which a godly wife has the opportunity to go a step further and defer to her husband.
In Ephesians 5:22-28, Paul explains how marriage functions at its best and highest.
22-24 ‘Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favour—since they’re already “one” in marriage’.
Jesus has set the bar very high for husbands as they seek to give leadership in the home. If a man’s leadership consists of gaining advantage for himself, rather than laying down his own interests for his wife, Jesus calls him to step up his game and aspire to godly leadership. A husband who does not value his wife’s opinion or consider her needs and go all out to meet them is in effect shooting himself in the foot, according to Paul. Similarly, as wives, we take a quantum leap in loving our husbands when we understand that God has given him the responsibility to lead the home with our help and we choose to support his leadership wholeheartedly, acknowledging that he is ultimately responsible for the family before God, and that’s where the crux of the matter lies. Someone has to take ultimate responsibility for any organisation or unit in order for it to thrive. Don’t make it difficult for your husband to lead effectively.
We do not argue with the concept of submission in the workplace because it seems to make perfect sense. We don’t question the need for a CEO in an organisation, and any smart CEO knows that the role is not an indication of superiority, but a statement of responsibility. He or she recognises that they need their team to function effectively. Yet, when the concept of submission enters the family setting it becomes fraught with power struggles. When a husband and wife fight constantly about finances, sex or any other issue that causes sparks to fly in a home, there is often an element of selfishness in either or both parties underlying such disagreements. Conversely, when a couple has learnt how to quickly and lovingly resolve disputes, it is usually because they have learnt how to bury selfishness and yield to each other.
What are your thoughts on how husbands and wives can bring out the best in each other? Leave me a comment on Facebook and Twitter.
