If I was asked to name the singular, most important principle I have ever learnt about human relationships, I would encapsulate it in two words. Opposites attract. This is why reserved people are attracted to outgoing people; disorganised people are impressed with orderly people; indecisive people are drawn to strong decision makers. We are attracted to others when we subconsciously identify in them qualities which we need in our own lives. We are somehow innately aware that when we link up with people who are strong where we are weak and vice versa, we will be better together than we could ever be apart.
If you married someone who was identical to you, it is safe to say that you would be strong in similar areas and possess similar weaknesses. The fact that opposites tend to attract is potentially one of the greatest keys to success in relationships but paradoxically it is instrumental in the failure of many relationships.
When attraction becomes irritation
The flip side of every strength you are attracted to in a person is a weakness you will become irritated with at some point. Each of us in an eclectic bundle of strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures, experience and ignorance; we are not perfect. Yet, it seems to come as a shock to many people when they encounter their partner’s imperfections, so they react negatively to those discoveries. All of a sudden, ‘I love how carefree and spontaneous she is!’ becomes, ‘How could she be so irresponsible?’; ‘He is so calm and easy-going’ morphs into ‘He is so lazy and under-motivated’; the ‘strong and decisive’ husband suddenly begins to be characterised as a ‘control freak’ and then the classic one – ‘She is so lively and bubbly’ degenerates into ‘Can’t she ever be quiet?’ As soon as we begin to focus on the weaknesses in our partner’s life, we lose all perspective and it becomes harder to recall what attracted us to them in the first place.
Why opposites attack
One subtle reason why opposites begin to attack each other in relationships is because they refuse to acknowledge that their partners are different so the only other alternative they have is to view them as wrong. The assumption that your partner should reason and behave like you negates the very principle on which the success of your relationship should be founded. Unless we free our partner from unrealistic expectations and learn to adapt to the inevitable ways in which they will be different from us, we will continually be disappointed because we labour under the illusion that we are right and they are wrong.
Adapting to differences
It is crucial that we approach relationships with a strong dose of realism, recognising that we cannot demand perfection from someone else when we are incapable of perfection ourselves. Your relationship will never be perfect because firstly, you are in it, and secondly, you have chosen an imperfect person. John Fischer puts it this way, ‘The success of a marriage comes not in finding the perfect person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married. Some people never make this adjustment and become trapped in the endless search after an image that doesn’t exist’. The ability to adjust to imperfection will reduce the sources of irritation in any relationship. If you want to be happy in your relationship, at some point you need to give up trying to make your partner what they are not and cultivate an attitude of gratitude for the many strengths which they possess.
Understanding temperament
One of the reasons why you and your partner differ so much is temperament. Temperament is quite simply an inherited combination of traits which defines our personality, behaviour, predispositions, interests and giftings. It influences every aspect of our lives from our work habits and how we spend money to how we express love and how we view sex. It touches our worship of God, shaping how we experience Him and how we express our devotion for Him. While temperament can be modified, it never really changes. It is our uniqueness which escorts us through life like the colour of our eyes and skin.
The subject of temperament has been studied extensively by many psychologists and you may well have come across it in the form of psychometric testing at work. I have personally found the Christian perspective offered by the best-selling author, Tim LaHaye, to be an infinite blessing in my family and work life. I first encountered his book, Spirit Controlled Temperament when I was eighteen. It was a journey in self-discovery. He and his wife went on to author several other books on this important subject; I highly recommend their materials.
P.S. What are your thoughts on how to enjoy a relationship with someone opposite to you? Share on Twitter and Facebook.
