Look out for the first part of this post, ‘How to build healthy in-law relationships’.
Separation
The first pronouncement God made about Adam and Eve was that ‘a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh’. Significantly, when God made that pronouncement, there were no fathers and mothers. The entire human race at the time consisted of Adam and Eve, but God, in His infinite wisdom, put this principle in place ahead of time. There is a healthy separation between parents and children which should begin in teenage years and culminate when they become adults. To remain tied to parents physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally after marriage is dysfunctional in God’s eyes. If you are the one finding it difficult to let go of that dependent relationship with your family, recognise that your stance will do untold damage to your family unit. Marriage is not for boys and girls; it is for men and women who are prepared to take responsibility for their own lives and decisions.
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Boundaries
There should be acceptable boundaries in the relationship between your family unit and both of your families. The only boundless relationship is the marriage relationship. Marriage is the formation of a separate family unit, not a sub-set of either your or your spouse’s families. You and your spouse need to agree acceptable boundaries for both sets of in-laws, and what level of involvement they will have in your marriage and the upbringing of your children. Those boundaries need to be lovingly upheld by both parties to avoid unhealthy interference. If an in-law consistently oversteps that boundary, it needs to be made clear to them by their family member that this is not acceptable. This should be done with kindness, respect but firmness. This can be difficult but it is necessary for the survival of your home. It might lead to some indignation but eventually they will learn to respect those boundaries and the relationship will be established on a healthier footing.
Expectations
Be sensitive to the needs of both sets of in-laws and recognise that they might have certain expectations of your family unit. Separation does not mean isolation; it is not an excuse for selfishness. Let your in-laws feel included within reason, allowing them to share your joyful moments and build memories with you. This is particularly crucial when grand-children enter the scene. Don’t deny them the pleasure of grand-parenting. Find a mutually acceptable way for involving both sets of families. They should feel like they have gained another family member, not lost their son or daughter.
Differences
There are bound to be differences in your family backgrounds and these are sometimes a source of tension. Recognise and acknowledge those differences as rich threads that can contribute to the unique tapestry of your own home. Values, opinions and traditions might differ and it pays to understand those differences rather than attacking them. St Francis of Assisi is credited with the saying, ‘Seek first to understand; then to be understood’. Nowhere is this more useful than in in-law relationships.
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