God designed friendships to build us up and strengthen us but toxic friendships can be damaging to our long-term well-being. Every close relationship, and particularly courtship, will have its own share of difficulties and challenges. However if your relationship with someone is one never ending drama or leaves you feeling constantly deflated and depleted, it might be harming rather than helping you. Here are seven ways to identify a toxic friendship.
It takes you away from God
Any relationship that causes you to drift away from God is not born of God. Whoever you choose to spend your time with should be someone that heightens your pursuit of God and encourages you to live a life pleasing to Him. If you find yourself growing lukewarm towards God or you constantly have to betray your values because you are pursuing a relationship with someone, that’s a clear signal of a toxic relationship. Your desire to be with someone should not be fulfilled at the expense of your relationship with God. That is too high to pay for an ephemeral, human relationship. God is the only one who can give you a fail-proof guarantee of enduring faithfulness. When He says He will never leave your nor forsake you, He really means it. You should be wary of handing your heart over to someone whose heart is not secure in God.
It tears you down rather than building you up
Does your friend constantly makes you feel like you are unworthy of them or lucky to have them, rather than appreciating and valuing you? If he or she treats you badly consistently and tries to make you believe that you don’t deserve any better, in the long-term that will be toxic to your well-being. Someone who truly loves you will not try to make you feel obligated or indebted to them. A healthy friendship should make you feel ten feet tall. It should not make you feel bad about yourself. Taking it a step further, if you are in a serious relationship with someone and the prevailing atmosphere of that relationship is a general sense of disapproval, you will struggle to be happy if you choose to marry such a person. Relationships that build you up are relationships where you are celebrated not just tolerated.
Your actions are motivated by fear rather than love
If it seems like you can never do anything right and everything you do, no matter how well-intentioned, seems to upset or annoy your friend, this can be damaging to your self-image. You should not constantly feel like you have to walk on egg shells, fearful of how they will react to something you say or do. 1 John 4:18 unequivocally states, ‘There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.’ Friendship should be a joyful experience; it should not feel like you are straining to please for fear of retaliation.
It separates you from those who care about you
I have seen the scenario replayed countless times, particularly in unhealthy courtship relationships. Your godly friends who genuinely care about you are concerned about the person you have chosen to marry and question the impact the relationship is having on you. So what do you choose to do? Avoid them in order to maintain your new relationship? Or is the person whom you’re with insisting that you choose between them and your family. That can often be a warning signal. Any person who tries to isolate your from your friends and family who have been there for you over the years does not value loyalty and is a risky prospect. When you’re isolated, you become more vulnerable. God has surrounded each one of us with a valuable support system which we should not have to give up for the sake of a relationship. It’s a different matter if you have unhealthy family relationships, for instance, but if those relationships are healthy ones and have kept you centred all these years, you probably need them now more than ever before.
You have to perform to please your friend
Close relationships will always change us. It is normal to adapt and adjust when we have a new person in our lives but is your relationship changing you for the better? If you feel like you have to pretend or perform in order to please your friend, then you are not really going to build an authentic relationship. An authentic relationship is one where you are free to reveal your true self. None of us is perfect and the closer you get to someone, the more evident your weaknesses will become. If your friend behaves like they are perfect and on the other hand treats you to a constant barrage of criticism and contempt, that kind of behaviour is much less about making things better in the relationship and much more about making them feel superior. God, as perfect as He is, has accepted you and you deserve to be accepted and respected for who you are not for what your friend can make of you. You need people in your life who will celebrate you just for who you are.
The relationship is one-sided
If your friend is constantly making withdrawals from the relationship without making any deposits, very soon your relationship will go bankrupt. If each time you leave their presence you feel drained rather than empowered, you need to examine how that will play out in a long-term situation, especially if this is someone you are considering for marriage. A relationship that drains you and sucks the life out of you can become intolerable in the long run. You should enter a relationship more focused on giving than receiving; that is how true love operates. However, it is not unreasonable to expect your friend to consider your needs as well. The most rewarding relationships are those where both parties aim to give one hundred percent of themselves.
You feel like you are being controlled, not complemented
When you are considering marriage and you meet someone that is right for you, what they bring to the relationship will be complementary to what you bring to the relationship. In other words, you should both feel like you’re better together than apart. However, if you feel manipulated and controlled, rather than complemented and empowered, that kind of relationship will not help you reach your full potential. People often associate controlling behaviour with overt physical abuse but it can manifest itself in many different ways: compulsive jealousy, uncontrolled fits of anger, chronic distrust and accusations, threats, demeaning behaviour, devaluing you so that you feel less confident of yourself and even conditional love, to name a few. Any of these is a sign that you probably need to consider an exit strategy from that relationship.
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