If handled properly, courtship can exponentially increase your ability to succeed in marriage. I favour the term courtship because it clearly defines a relationship where a commitment has been made towards marriage, as opposed to dating which is confusingly used to label almost anything from casual to committed relationships. There is a significant amount of investment required to cultivate a successful courtship and this in itself can be a predictor for the success of the early years of marriage. Courtship is not just the wait before the wedding; it is a crucial preparatory period and it takes focus and determination for a couple to get the best out of it. Set yourselves the challenge of maximizing your courtship period. The quality of courtship you have will be determined by your understanding of the purpose of courtship and the daily decisions you make regarding your courtship. Courtship is supposed to achieve three things in your relationship: revelation, adaptation and vision.
Revelation
The first challenge you need to set yourselves in your courtship is the revelation challenge. Revelation is the act of making yourself known. You are a multi-faceted kaleidoscope of experiences, dreams, talents and ideas – let your partner discover you. Courtship is a period of getting to know each other better. Any relationship without ongoing revelation is child’s play. Your aim is to explore each other’s hearts and minds and discover the uniqueness which each of you brings to the table. Revelation is a function of communication; open, honest communication about your past and your present, your hurts and your hopes, your desires and your dreams, your preferences and your peeves, all the things that make you who you are. You might think that revelation will come naturally in a relationship but in my experience this is not necessarily so. Proximity does not automatically lead to spiritual, mental and emotional intimacy. It is what you do with your time together that counts. Courtship is a time for asking questions and reaching beyond the surface to the real person you will be married to.
Adaptation
Next is the adaptation challenge. This is the process of learning to fit into each other’s world. No matter how much you have in common, you and your partner will have differing backgrounds, mindsets, ideas and perspectives. It is these differences that will enrich your marriage, but in order for that to happen there needs to be a continuous commitment to adaptation. Marriage will bring its own demands for adaptation but in courtship we have the advance opportunity to begin to reposition ourselves mentally to accommodate someone else into our world. Many times conflict arises in courtships and marriage because of the refusal of one or both parties to adapt. The value you place on your relationship will be demonstrated by the price you are willing to pay to make it work. If you value each other you will be prepared to go the extra mile to adapt to each other’s needs.
Vision
The vision challenge requires you and your partner to begin to forge a common direction and plan for the future. It gives you both the opportunity to design the future which you believe that God wants you to have, without making assumptions. Don’t just spend your entire courtship planning your wedding; plan the life that you will have together after that. What do you want to achieve together for God? What careers will you pursue? Where will you live? What do you want your family to look like? How many children do you hope to have and when do you plan to start having them? What are your greatest dreams and goals? How will you manage your friendships and your families? If you don’t communicate, you won’t know.
I have asked couples some of these questions in pre-marital counselling and they look totally blank. It does make you wonder what they spent their courtship doing. When all is said and done, courtship must be focussed but it must also be fun. Do all that you can to invest in building joyful memories together as a couple. I am always concerned when I meet couples who fight a lot and do not seem to be having a lot of fun in their courtship. Every couple will have the occasional disagreement and this is all part of the growing and learning process. However, a couple who cannot achieve a sustained level of peace and harmony in their courtship face an uphill task in marriage when all the pressures and responsibilities of married life are thrown at them. Keep your courtship fun! Celebrate each other and the love God has given you.
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