The phrase ‘settle down’ has become synonymous with the concept of getting married. The sentence, ‘When are you going to settle down?’ is casually used to encourage singles to get married, without a thought as to its implication. There is a danger in becoming too settled in any state. To ‘settle’ is the precursor of mediocrity. Many years ago I read an arresting book titled ‘An Enemy Called Average’ by John L. Mason. He starts the book with a thought-provoking quote. ‘Mediocrity is a region bound on the north by compromise, on the south by indecision, on the east by past thinking, and on the west by a lack of vision.’ In essence, anything you become too settled in, you become average at.
The enemy of a great marriage is an average mentality. When an average mentality settles in, you lose your edge, you become complacent and anything goes. If your goal is to enjoy a vibrant, fulfilling and exciting marriage, complacency is one enemy you will have to constantly fight. There is such a strong temptation to view the wedding as a goal in itself, rather than a means to an end. If you take your foot off the pedal of your relationship; if you stop pushing yourself towards excellence; if you begin to take your spouse’s love for granted; mediocrity becomes the natural result. Some couples get married on the misconception that a great marriage happens spontaneously and should not require any work. Nothing could be further from the truth. Anything you take for granted will be devalued in your eyes over time. Conversely, when you truly value your marriage, you recognise that it is worth fighting for and investing in daily.
Vision
A great marriage is by no means a perfect marriage. It is simply a marriage where both parties are committed to an ever-growing, progressive relationship. When you have a vision for something, that vision drives you to acquire the knowledge you need to excel at it. If the only time you ever seriously think about your marriage is when you have problems, you need to catch a fresh vision. When last did you read a book or article on marriage? How open are you to attending marriage seminars or learning from others who have successful marriages? Your thirst for knowledge is an indicator of the strength of your vision. Most marriage failures are actually a failure of knowledge. It’s not that the couple doesn’t have what it takes to make it work; it is more often that one or both parties don’t know what it takes to make a marriage work. Catch a fresh vision for your marriage and invest in the knowledge you need to give your marriage a new lease of life. The benefits will be yours to enjoy.
Intention
To build a great marriage, you need to be intentional about protecting your love. In the Bible, a love relationship is frequently likened to a vineyard requiring attention. In Song of Solomon 2:15 (NLT), the bridegroom urgently declares, ‘Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!’ Usually, it is not the huge challenges that sink marriages; it is the little iotas of indifference aggregated over time that erode the foundations of a marriage. Don’t ever lose your sense of intentionality about where you want your marriage to go. You deserve the best so give your marriage your best. Be intentional about loving your spouse, meeting his or her needs and building a strong foundation of trust in your home. Be intentional about being kind, polite, loving and available to your spouse. Practice the art of persistent pursuit and win your spouse’s heart over and over again.
Attention
Marriage is not something you achieve at the altar and then move on to other pursuits. A great marriage requires focused, consistent attention just like any other worthwhile relationship. Love does not thrive in an atmosphere of neglect. Consider for a moment another illustration from scripture regarding a vineyard. In Proverbs 24:30-31, Solomon records his experience and observations in a vivid fashion. ‘Once I passed by the property of a slacker, by the vineyard of a foolish man. You should have seen it! The entire field was overgrown with thorns. Every inch was covered with weeds. Even the stone wall was crumbling down.’ The lesson is clear; slackness and complacency in any area of life will take its toll over time. This applies in marriage as in every other area of life. Give your relationship the attention it needs to thrive. Take time to notice your spouse. Don’t ever take him or her for granted. The thrill of marriage is in an eternal pursuit of your spouse’s heart. Refuse to settle.
What do you need to do to shake off complacency in your marriage?
