The desire to love and be loved is universal. Few things in life are needed so strongly, pursued so ardently, and misunderstood so completely as the nature of love. Some people spend their lives searching for true love and it seems as elusive as a mirage or a shadow. They leave behind them a trail of broken hearts in their quest for ‘true love’.
The stark truth is that many people in search of love do not have a clear understanding of what love is. They are not quite sure what they are looking for but they hope that when they find it they will recognise it. Millions of couples sign the dotted lines swearing undying love without a clue as to what they are signing up to. Perhaps you have reached the point where you question the very existence of love. Have you ever wondered, ‘Is it worth it all?’ I say an unequivocal ‘Yes!’
Love can add colours and dimensions to life that we never knew existed. It can deliver to you the marriage of your dreams if you are prepared to clear up the mystery and understand what love really is. If I asked everyone reading this article to send me their definition of love, we would have as many definitions as people. In my studies I have come across some bizarre definitions of love and I share a few for laughs:
‘Love is a fever that marriage cures’ – by Mr Disappointed
‘Love is the act of arming someone against yourself’ – by Ms Vulnerable
And my personal favourite,
‘Love is a feeling which you feel when you feel a feeling you have never felt before.’ – by someone who was obviously floating on cloud nine!
The English language does not help matters because we love ice cream, we love our new shoes and we also love our spouse. How confusing…
What you believe about love matters because it will affect the partner you choose to marry, shape your behaviour and responses towards them, and ultimately affect the kind of marriage you will have. In order to demystify love I believe we need to understand three things:
Love is a choice not a feeling
If love is a feeling, that puts it in the same class as happiness, sadness, anger and fear. The common denominator for all these feelings is that they are unpredictable. An unpredictable feeling is a shaky foundation for a marriage that is supposed to last a lifetime. Love may start off as a feeling but it cannot endure if it remains in that realm. Everything changes when we begin to view love as a choice which we can exercise control over. This sounds unexciting but it makes for stable marriages. I don’t just feel love for my husband; I know I love him because I made that choice nearly twenty years ago and daily I reinforce that choice by my actions. Loving feelings will ebb and flow in a relationship. Some days you wake up deliriously in love and other days you just want to be left alone but choosing love smooths all those ups and downs.
Love is an art to be learned
Loving another individual requires a willingness to learn. Your needs will differ from your mate’s so if you give love in the way and manner you hope to receive it, half the time you are likely to get it wrong. Study your partner, discover what lights his or her fires, find out want they respond to and love them in a language they understand.
Love is a discipline to be maintained
True love is not second nature to human beings. It does not just come naturally. There is an inherent selfishness which we all need to overcome in order to love totally. It is easy to act lovingly when we are on an emotional high but when the grind of daily living takes its toll, we lose our motivation to love selflessly. This is where the discipline of love needs to take over so that we can behave lovingly even at moments when we don’t feel like it.
P.S. What does love mean to you? Share your thoughts on Facebook or Twitter.
