Sex – everyone is thinking about it but no one wants to talk about it. The reticence many couples feel about discussing their sex life has shrouded satisfying marital sex in an air of mystery for as long as man has existed. The Bible is not silent about sex so we shouldn’t be. Sex was God’s idea, not the devil’s. I can still recall the first time, as a teenager, when I discovered the book of Song of Solomon in my Bible. I was astounded and embarrassed! How did that get in there? I know better now. If you still have the mistaken idea that sex is unspiritual, that calls for a renewal of your mind. You need to begin to view it from God’s perspective. God celebrates sex throughout scripture but He is very particular about the context in which it occurs – within marriage.
I have discovered that misinformation is one of the greatest enemies of a satisfying sex life in marriage. We assume that if we follow our feelings, mutually satisfying sex should come naturally but the evidence suggests that this is definitely not so. Accurate and adequate information is crucial to enjoying sex in marriage. The dilemma many Christians face is finding reliable, balanced information about sex which is rooted in God’s word. Friends, Hollywood does not know what was in God’s mind when He created sex so we should not look to Hollywood to define what marital sex should be like. One of the best things that happened to my marriage was discovering a book by a Christian couple, Tim and Beverly LaHaye, titled ‘The Act of Marriage’. I discovered this resource shortly before I got married and it served as a foundation-laying manual for me and my husband in our first year of marriage. The masterful way in which they de-mystified the subject has made me a fan for life. I still recommend it when I counsel couples and the feedback is always great. You don’t know what you don’t know until you encounter eye-opening information!
One of the most pivotal things I learnt from that book is the subject of this post. This bit of information has helped me immeasurably in my 20 years of marital life and it is something I keep reminding myself about. Knowing this one secret and working with it can eliminate a lot of the sexual frustration married couples experience. So what is this secret you may ask? It’s simply this – men and women view sex completely differently and they want different things out of the sexual experience. Someone might be thinking, ‘Is that it?’ Perhaps you thought I was going to share some earth-shattering revelation on frequency, technique or any of the other factors that contribute to a satisfying sex life. Quite frankly, once we truly grasp and understand the fact that husbands and wives view sex differently, and this will always be the case, we are well on the way to enjoying the kind of sex life God intended.
That’s why focusing on what you want out of sex will never deliver to you a fulfilling sex life. It may satisfy you short term but you will never experience the full spectrum of what God had in mind when He designed the sexual experience. Doing what comes to you naturally will not satisfy your spouse; neither will loving your spouse sexually in the way you want to be loved. I believe that marital sex, the way God intended, is the ultimate test of selflessness and that this is why God made men and women so different. If you are going to truly enjoy your sex life with your spouse, you will need to tune into his or her needs to understand what they want. This is the only way to solve the dilemma of conflicting needs.
For instance, most men desire sex more frequently than their wives. There are exceptions but this is often the case. The moment a wife discovers that this is not an anomaly in her husband, but it is God’s design, everything changes. I have often said that if God left the business of propagating the human race to women, the human race would probably be extinct by now! Wives are more often concerned about the quality, rather than the quantity, of sexual encounters with their husbands. They want caring, kindness, consideration and non-sexual touch – which is not leading to anything – this is what makes them feel valued and loved, and positions them in the right frame of mind for sex. A husband might want sex to relieve his stress while his wife wants her stress to be relieved before she is ready for sex. He has had a hard day and feels the one thing that will make it better is to have his wife in his arms; she has had a hard day and the only thing on her mind is hugging her pillow and dropping off to sleep. Sometimes the husband wants to go straight to the point while his wife wishes he would take it slow. She wants to talk; he wants action. Does any of this sound familiar? This is the kind of stuff that marital conflict and frustration is made of. So what’s the answer to this conundrum of conflicting needs?
I believe the answer, in one word, is selflessness. Place your spouse’s needs above yours. Outdo each other with generosity and kindness. Sex is one place in marriage where selfishness has to die for satisfaction to be experienced. Aim to please your spouse, not just yourself. Wives, don’t expect your husband to wait until you are ready for sex before sex happens. That is a recipe for frustration. Make it a priority and consciously work it into your busy schedule. Don’t act like it’s an inconvenience. Let your husband know that you enjoy your sexual relationship with him. Husbands, when you express understanding and appreciation for all the million and one things your wife does daily to keep your family going, it makes her feel valued and more inclined towards sex. So you don’t see the point of admiration and sweet words? The fact that you don’t need that doesn’t make her need less legitimate. If that’s what your wife yearns for, give it to her and you will reap the benefits. In essence, when you give more of what your spouse needs, you get more of what you need. Don’t short-change yourself with self-centeredness. Experience the liberation of a giving sexual relationship. Above all, add some humour to spice up your sex life. Don’t take yourselves too seriously. Laugh together. Share private jokes just between the two of you. Sex is a barometer that can indicate the health of a marriage, among other things, so give your best to your spouse.
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