A red line is a boundary or limit which should not be crossed. It figuratively represents a point of no return. It is a limit beyond which safety can no longer be guaranteed. President Obama was famously vilified for declaring the use of chemical weapons as a ‘red line’ which would trigger an American response in the Syrian conflict and then backing down. Without getting into the politics of it all, the upshot is that when you draw a red line, you should mean it.
Red lines can be a good thing. They should be viewed as beneficial to your marriage, rather than as a restriction to hamper you. I believe that if you really mean business about having an enduring marriage, there are a few red lines which you must define clearly as a couple early on in your marriage, or even better still before you get married. Marriage is not a walk in the park. A good marriage will bless your life in immeasurable ways and give you endless joy – but there will also be challenges along the way. Defining red lines around your marriage, lines which you are in agreement you will never cross as a couple, is one way to preserve your marriage in a society where marriage is treated more and more like a disposable commodity.
I would like to suggest three red lines which every couple should agree on.
The ‘D’ word
The threat of divorce is the axe which some people wield in order to arrest their partner’s attention. In a desperate bid to get their partner to sit up and take notice of their demands, the risk of divorce becomes a bargaining tool in the hand of a frustrated and angry spouse. The danger with that approach is that we often don’t take into account the creative and destructive power of words. Proverbs 18:21 makes it clear that ‘Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words.’ Words are containers of power and every word you speak is either ministering life to your home or setting the death of your marriage in motion.
If what you desire is healing for your marriage, that goal will not be achieved by constantly proclaiming the death of your union. Throwing the word divorce around in the course of trying to resolve marital conflict is like using a butcher’s knife to perform heart surgery. It is the wrong tool for achieving the purpose intended. Skill and wisdom is required for building a home, not blunt force and threat. If you want a marriage that lasts a lifetime, make the use of the ‘D’ word a red line which you will not cross as a couple, regardless of how heated your argument.
The surrogate spouse
A surrogate is a substitute or deputy for another person in a specific role. The funny thing about a surrogate is that in reality they can only ever be an imposter. A surrogate can never be the real deal. So how does this apply in marriage? You and your spouse are uniquely placed in each other’s life to fulfil the role of husband or wife. That role encompasses many things – best friend, companion, confidante, adviser, comforter, chief encourager – the list is endless. These are privileges which are unique to you as a husband or wife. No one else on earth should access your heart to the point where they are fulfilling these roles in your life. Your spouse should be the closest human being to you.
Time and time again, people who have ended up having affairs, and regretting them, will confess that it never began with sex. They let down their guard, confided too frequently and too deeply in someone other than their spouse, and the rest was history. Adultery is first an emotional sin before it becomes physical. There are certain emotional red lines which should never be crossed if you want a healthy, enduring marriage. Your spouse is uniquely placed in your life to be your confidante. Don’t rob them of that exclusive position. If you find that your communication with your spouse is not great, make it a project to improve it. After all, you couldn’t stop talking to each other when you were dating! Make it your mission to recapture that vulnerability with each other, and lock out any surrogate spouse for good.
The curse of porn
You would think that the danger pornography poses to a marriage would be fairly obvious to most Christians. It is therefore alarming when you read statistics like those drawn from a 2014 national survey of Christian men in the U.S. The figures suggest that 77% of 18-30 year old men look at porn at least monthly, 77% of 31-49 year old men at least once in three months while a whopping 55% of married men look at porn at least monthly. While men are more vulnerable to the lure of porn because of their propensity to be visual, the use of pornography is no longer just a male problem. It is a sign of the times that women are also getting caught up in the web of porn in the guise of romance.
While the Church world has been content to skirt around the issue and pretend that it doesn’t exist, this silent killer is invading homes and robbing marriages of their purity and exclusivity. Pornography is no longer something people have to go out of their way to seek in shady shops. A careless Google search could result in you being bombarded with images which you did not plan for. The use of pornography is a red line which should never, ever be crossed because it dishonours your spouse and it is an addictive road that desensitises you to the holy beauty of marital sex and opens the door to deception and disillusionment in marriage. I strongly encourage that if you have found yourself spiralling down this route, reach out for help quickly from someone spiritual who can hold you accountable and walk you back to the path of freedom. Breaking free from the curse of porn is not a journey you should walk alone.
Which red line resonates the most with you? Which red lines do you and your spouse need to put in place to protect your marriage? Please leave me a comment on Facebook.
