Do you know someone who is caught up in a relationship which they know and confess is not good for them, but they can’t seem to break free of it or they keep going back? Perhaps it is an abusive relationship which is putting them in harm’s way, an illicit relationship with a married person, or simply a toxic relationship which threatens their spiritual, mental or emotional wellbeing. Or perhaps you know someone who, after breaking up a relationship, cannot seem to move on. Five or ten years down the line their lives seem to be stagnated; they appear to be immobilised, frozen in time at that moment in their life when they broke up with that person. They still yearn for that relationship, mull over the hurt of giving it up or they appear obsessed with what their ‘ex’ is up to now. Perhaps that person is even you and you’re wondering what happened to you, why it appears that the life has been sapped out of you and how to get your life back. Well, it may well be that you are suffering the symptoms of unhealthy soul ties.
One of the most insidious effects of soul ties on future relationships is the tendency to evaluate each new person that attempts to enter your life in the light of your ‘ex’. Some people never seem to get over a certain person in their past. This ‘ex’ becomes a shadow that looms large over every future relationship. Every human being is an original; no one can succeed at being someone else. If every new person you meet has to measure up to your ‘first love’, you may never find true love. The easiest way to get confused when assessing a potential mate is to compare them with someone else. Comparison is a dangerous game because it blinds us to the immense possibilities in people’s uniqueness. Each person you meet deserves the honour of being evaluated on their own merit. Comparison is unwise because God did not create anyone to conform to someone else’s pattern or personality; He made each of us unique in our own right. If you find yourself evaluating your current relationship or even your marriage in the light of someone in your past, that may be a symptom of unhealthy soul ties.
How soul ties are formed
So what are soul ties and how are they formed? Your soul is an integral part of you which consists of your mind, your emotions and your will. It determines what you think, what you feel and what you want. A soul tie is simply an emotional bond which unites your soul to someone else’s. It could be anyone from your spouse to your child or even to a close friend. 1 Samuel 18:1 records that, ‘When David had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was bonded to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself.’ There was a healthy covenant friendship between David and Jonathan which made them look out for each other’s wellbeing. Soul ties in themselves are not inherently good or bad; it just depends on whom they are formed with.
When a couple gets together in a close relationship, there is a God-ordained process of bonding which begins to take place imperceptibly. This bonding process is designed to create a union of our minds and emotions which prepares us for the lifelong union of marriage. The more time we spend together with our loved one and the deeper the levels of interaction, the stronger the bonds will be. This is how soul-ties are formed. The difficulty is that your soul cannot distinguish between appropriate and illicit relationships – if you spend copious amounts of time exposing your heart to someone, bonding will take place regardless of whether or not you intended for the relationship to be a lasting one.
This is one of the reasons why I take exception to the pattern of random, recreational dating which many people get involved in without any intention of getting married to the person they are dating. Your soul does not seek permission from your logic before becoming emotionally entangled with someone who clearly should not be in your life in the first place. This is also how unsuspecting people get trapped in unintended extra-marital affairs – by unburdening their heart constantly to someone who appears to understand them better than their spouse does; creating bonds, soul-ties, where they should not exist. Perhaps all the relationship initially entailed was shared lunch-breaks or harmless telephone conversations which gradually became deeper and more involving. Bonding takes place stealthily and is often unnoticed at first.
The power of words
Soul ties are strengthened by spoken words and declarations. The Bible makes it clear that there is unimaginable power contained in words spoken – intentionally or unintentionally. Words are carriers of power. The universe was created by this power which cannot be turned on or off as we choose. Proverbs 18:21 (NIV) states that ‘The tongue has the power of life and death’. Covenant words such as, ‘I could never be happy without you’ and ‘My heart is yours forever’ are powerful and continue to reverberate in the recesses of our souls, long after they have been spoken and forgotten. This is great for marriages; the marriage covenant itself is enacted by spoken words. However, covenant words become burdensome when you are trying to forget a relationship that has gone sour. ‘First loves die hard’ is not just a cliché; it is a reality for many people because of forces set in motion by words previously spoken. Five years after their first relationship, they appear to be frozen in time, unable to move forward because of soul ties with someone who is long gone. It is a shocking thing to realize that having sworn undying love to someone in the past, those words have the capacity to hold a person captive in the present.
Sex and Soul Ties
Although soul ties are often initiated by covenant words, even more powerful than covenant words are covenant actions, like sex. The Bible is unequivocal about the fact that you become one with anyone you have sex with. 1 Corinthians 6:16 asks the question, ‘Or do you not know and realize that when a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? The two, it is written, shall become one flesh.’ When a couple has a sexual encounter, they rise up from that place changed even if they don’t know it. There is a unity they attain in the realm of the spirit which God has preserved for married couples because of how powerful it is. God says you become one with anyone you have sex with. The implications of this are far-reaching. Many marriages are dysfunctional and hurting today because there are possibly six, seven or even more people effectively taking part in the relationship rather than two. The reality is that there is no ‘protection’ for your soul in a sexual encounter. The innermost recesses of your being are left wide open to anyone whom you give your body to willingly. If your past is dotted with sexual relationships which you now regret, God’s love is reaching out to you today.
Breaking free of soul ties
There are a number of steps you can take to break free of unhealthy soul ties:
- Recognise that liberty has been freely given to you. You don’t have to be bound by your past. According to John 8:36 (MSG), ‘…if the Son sets you free, you are free through and through’. Jesus Christ has made you free.
- Acknowledge what has happened in your life and refuse to live in denial. If you are in a relationship which you know is not right, break it off immediately. Don’t hesitate or give yourself room to vacillate. If you have disobeyed God sexually in your relationships, ask for His forgiveness and receive it by faith. Step into the light of God’s love and receive forgiveness for misusing sex in your relationships.
- Don’t base your forgiveness or liberty on your feelings. Breaking soul ties will hurt at first but your soul will heal. Psalm 23:3 states, ‘He [God] restores my soul…’ God will put together the broken fragments of your soul and make you whole again if you open up your hurt to Him and let Him heal you.
- Verbally declare your freedom from any soul-ties that could hinder your future relationships. Take authority over any words spoken in your past and say out loud, ‘By the power in the blood of Jesus, I release myself from any covenant words and actions seeking to bind me to people in my past. I am free to love again,’ and believe it! Verbally reaffirm that freedom anytime that relationship crosses your mind again.
- Freedom only manifests itself in your life when you take steps to close the door firmly on your past. Refuse to allow past relationships to hover like shadows over your present. You have been made free and the choice to disconnect yourself from the past is yours to make. One practical step is to get rid of any mementos, gifts, photos, letters, emails, text messages, or anything else that reminds you of that person in your past. Isaiah 52:2 (MSG) challenges you – ‘Brush off the dust and get to your feet…Throw off your chains, captive daughter [or son] of Zion!’
P.S. Share this article on Facebook and Twitter and change someone’s life for the better.
