When God sends people into your life, He does it for a reason. We get frustrated with our relationships when we misunderstand their purpose. Don’t try to make a friendship what it was not meant to be. You will only get hurt and hurt others. Try to discern the purpose of a friendship and enjoy it rather than projecting your own needs on the other person. There are three elements that frame the purpose of a friendship: boundaries, expectations and dispensations.
Boundaries: Every relationship must have boundaries which determine how deep it should go. The only boundless human relationship should be a marriage relationship. If you try to cultivate boundless relationships with everyone you meet, you will either end up hurt very often or you will scare people off. Not everyone who gains access to your life deserves access to your heart. The whole world doesn’t need to know your business.
Expectations: The purpose of a relationship will determine the expectations you can place upon it. When Jesus faced the most difficult moment of His life He did not expect all His disciples to share in it – He turned to His inner circle. Unreasonable expectations are a relationship killer.
Dispensations: Not all friendships are designed to last forever. Friends will come, some will go, and some will remain. Trying to extend a relationship beyond its natural lifespan only leads to strain and disappointment.
Think about the following types of relationships and try to identify the ones in your life:
Foundational relationships
There are people who are meant to be part of your beginnings. They believe in you when there is no sign of greatness around you. They speak into your dreams and may or may not be a part of your next season. Daniel had a cohort of foundational friends who stood shoulder to shoulder with him to brave the challenges of living as a captive immigrant in a foreign land.
Strategic associations
Every now and then God brings unlikely people into your life to midwife your next season. They are catalysts to move you from Point A to Point B. They function like scaffolding, erected for a season to add something to your life but then they are removed in order for your beauty to show. They are not part of the building; they are part of your ‘becoming’ process and you should respect them as such. Strategic associations are often vertical – with people who have something in their lives which you don’t, be it wisdom, skill, experience or influence. If you are only skilled at staying in your comfort zone and cultivating horizontal relationships with people at your current level, you will not stretch and progress as you should. Strategic associates might be mentors for a particular season or simply people willing to use their influence to engineer your access to the next level. Don’t be upset if they don’t hang around forever; just maximise their contribution while you can.
Forever friends
There are few people who are meant to be your friends for life. These are relationships which are capable of weathering every season, with people who understand who you were, appreciate who you are and celebrate who you are becoming. You relate with few boundaries and great expectations because such relationships have been tried and tested through the various dispensations of your life. Forever friends are people who depend on you and whom you can depend on when it really counts.
(Check out my previous post, ‘Cultivating fulfilling friendships’)
