Your man wants to be your hero. Many boys identify with superheroes like Superman and Spiderman when they are growing up because these larger-than-life characters speak to something inside them. Every man has an innate need to be respected; to be the one who steps in and saves the day; to be the one that rescues the world or the damsel in distress, and gets the praise for it. This also means that most men will not attempt anything unless they feel they have a reasonable chance of success. This goes for pleasing their wife as well. If a man feels like he can be successful at loving his wife and consequently see respect and admiration in her eyes, he will put forth the effort required. If however he feels like he can’t win regardless of how hard he tries, he will give up that pursuit and concentrate on other things which will give him more ready success.
This is why nagging never, ever works on a man. Have you ever seen a man changed by nagging? When you nag a man, it communicates to him that you consider him to be inadequate. It makes him feel disrespected. This does nothing to inspire him to change; rather it makes him dig in his heels and insist that his wife accepts him as he is. Nagging is a fruitless exercise and it beats me why anyone persists in it. Nagging is, of course, not the exclusive preserve of women but because we tend to be more verbal than men, and we care so deeply about our homes, we are more inclined towards it than most men are. One thing we do need to remember though is that a man will resist being controlled by a woman with every fibre of his being. When you nag your husband, you inadvertently remind him of his mother. It should therefore not surprise you if he appears to have very little romantic feeling towards you. No one in their right minds would feel romantically inclined towards a mother-figure!
The misleading thing about nagging is that we usually feel justified because the points we raise are true. My definition of nagging is simply telling a man the truth about his faults over and over and over again. He doesn’t need his wife to point out his faults to him. The world is already doing a good job of that. Chances are he is already well aware of his faults and failings. Be the one voice that reassures him that he is something, that he can be something, that he means something to you. King Solomon had a lot to say about nagging women. Hear him in Proverbs 21:9, ‘Better to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a nagging wife’. He repeats himself for effect in Proverbs 21:19 and 25:24. He must have had a lot of experience with it, considering the fact that he had 700 wives! Some women behave as if they are on a mission to save their husband from himself. We behave as if he is not competent to make sensible decisions and then marvel when he refuses to step up and assume leadership responsibility in the home. If a man thinks his leadership capacity has been pre-judged, he will either not bother to try or go off on the other extreme of being a dictator.
There is nothing more powerful to a man than the unconditional approval and respect of his wife. Does this mean that he will always get it right? Absolutely not, but if he knows that your default position is full support for him, he will lead with confidence knowing that even when he makes a mistake you will recognise that everything he does is in the best interests of his family. Even when you have a different opinion from your husband, don’t try to force your point of view. He has ultimate responsibility for the wellbeing of the family before God and he needs to know that you trust his judgement. If he does get it wrong, having not followed your advice, it is so tempting to descend to the ‘I told you so’ mindset. Resist that temptation. Leadership is hard and leaders need the latitude to make decisions and sometimes make mistakes without being judged. Failure, as well as success, will strengthen a man’s leadership muscles. We learn most in life, not from what we get right, but from what we get wrong.
Many men feel like they are on trial every day; the validity of their decision-making is being judged daily by the outcomes they experience. Don’t make the burden heavier by working against him. He needs you on his team, rooting for him. Good leaders are not born; they are made by much experience in the trenches of life. Allow your husband to evolve into the leader God designed him to be. If you take away the mantle of leadership from him because you feel you can do a better job, don’t complain when you end up with a passive husband who is disinterested in the home. If a man feels like he can’t win, he will lose the will to even try. If he feels like he does not have your respect, he will not even bother to try and impress you.
The wise woman understands that she is not her husband’s teacher; she is his lover. When you position yourself correctly, he will freely open his deepest insecurities and fears to you knowing that you will minister grace and healing. If you position yourself as his teacher, he will occupy himself with proving that he is quite capable without you. One of the most empowering things you can do for your husband is to communicate your approval – loud and long. Make a big song and dance about his contributions and achievements. Praise him in private and in public. Does this mean that we should never point out mistakes our husband is making? Not necessarily but there is a time and place for everything. When your husband knows that he has your unconditional respect, he will be open to your opinions. Acceptance always precedes transformation.
Look out for my sequel, ‘What your wife wishes you knew about her’.
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