Do you consider your wife to be incredibly complex? Some men throw their hands up in despair and exclaim, ‘What does a woman want?’ In reality, all that your wife wants is love. The difficulty arises from the fact that love is such an amorphous word which means different things to different people. This makes it hard to tie down in practical terms what a woman really wants from her husband. When we turn to the Bible for some clarity, we immediately discover that loving your wife entails a lot more than some men bargain for. Ephesians 5:25 begins, ‘Husbands, love your wives…’ If the scripture ended there, it would be easier to fulfil because each husband would be free to attach his personal interpretation to the word ‘love’. However, the verse goes on to say, ‘…as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it’. That says it all. ‘Love’ is really only love if it is sacrificial and costs you something. Jesus gave His all for the Church. He laid down His life. What are you prepared to lay down for your wife?
The message translation of that scripture is even more explicit. ‘Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting’. True love is all about what you can give, not what you can get. It’s about going all out and not holding back. As far as Christ is concerned, your first thought when you marry a wife should be ‘What can I do for her? not ‘What can she do for me?’ I have to say, that’s a really tall order and it cuts against the grain of our selfish human nature. It is in our makeup to always think of ourselves first but every husband is called to something much higher than that. So in practical terms, how does giving love operate? What can you do that will communicate your love unquestionably to your wife?
First and foremost a woman needs to feel secure in her husband’s love. She needs to know that she is her husband’s first priority after God. She needs the assurance that she comes first in his affections, above any other human being. Your wife knows that she’s not the prettiest, smartest, most talented woman in the universe but she wants you to feel like she is – and tell her so. Women thrive when they are the centre of their husband’s affections. It makes them feel secure. If your wife has to ask you ‘Do you love me?’ it means that you probably need to do a better job of reassuring her that she is secure in your love. Tell your wife often that you love her, that you appreciate, and that you think she’s beautiful. This is one of the biggest boosts you can give to your wife’s sense of security.
Your wife also needs to know that you are committed to keeping her safe from physical, emotional and financial harm. She needs to know that you are willing to step up and be her protector in whatever she faces in life. While she understands that God is her ultimate protector and provider, she needs to be confident that you will stand between her and anything that threatens her wellbeing in a heartbeat. She needs to be certain that you will exert all your God-given abilities to be a blessing to her and make her life better – spiritually, mentally and physically. She needs to see evidence of your commitment to her wellbeing, and that of the family, on a daily basis. This gives her assurance that she is in safe hands.
Thirdly, your wife needs you to show her kindness and consideration. She juggles a lot of different roles in order to keep the family running smoothly and meet your needs, and she needs you to recognise and appreciate that. Place value on your wife’s contributions. When a woman feels taken for granted, it demotivates and de-energises her, taking the joy out of everything she does. When you listen to her, show her that her opinions matter, acknowledge her struggles and offer her your support, your wife will thrive, and willingly go to any lengths to be a blessing to you.
Spend time with your wife, not because you want something from her but because you care about her as a person. Don’t consistently ignore her in favour of work, recreation or your friends, and expect her to be at her best. Listen to her concerns, even if you’ve heard them a hundred times before. Most women are very verbal and sharing with their husbands helps them feel emotionally connected. Your wife needs emotional intimacy in order to be able to enjoy physical intimacy with you. Some men think that physical and emotional intimacy are synonymous, but in a woman’s mind they are two very distinct things and she needs both to be truly fulfilled. Show her that you care about her emotions and opinions.
I can think of no better way to end this post than to highlight the standard Christ has set for husbands in Ephesians 5:26-28. ‘Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favour—since they’re already “one” in marriage.’
Check out my post, ‘What your husband wishes you knew about him’.
Women, have I missed out anything that matters to you? Please share your thoughts with me below this post on Facebook.
