Money is mentioned in most reputable surveys as one of the top three reasons why people divorce. Often, the assumption is that it is a lack of money that causes money related quarrels in a family. However, most of the time what causes couples to disagree on money is not so much the lack or even abundance of it, but how it is spent. When a couple does not see eye to eye on how to dispense their shared resources, whether scarce or plentiful, that is always going to be a flashpoint in their relationship.
The key question is this, ‘What shapes our spending patterns?’ The reality is that our spending reflects our values. We spend on what we respect. Money means different things to different people and the meaning we attach to money is the most significant influencer of how we spend it. The old saying goes, ‘Money talks’, but understanding what it says uniquely to you and your spouse will help you eliminate potential money conflicts in your marriage.
Dr. Kenneth Doyle, a financial psychologist with the University of Minnesota carried out a study of money attitudes which indicated that there are four basic ‘money languages’ which people speak. Our specific money language strongly influences how we like to spend money because, knowingly or unknowingly, we use money to express ourselves. We feel good when we are able to spend money in a manner that is congruent with our values and we feel uncomfortable, or even threatened, when we are unable to do so. Consequently, if we perceive anyone, including our spouse, as standing between us and our ability to express our values through our money, we have a tendency to over-react if we are not careful. Unsurprisingly, it is rare for couples to have the same money language so the potential for conflict becomes obvious. Have a look at the four money languages below and see whether you can identify yourself and your spouse.
Significance
Dr. Doyle identified the first group of people as ‘Drivers’. A driver is someone for whom money means significance. Having money protects drivers against the fear of incompetence and the more money they have, the more competent and successful they feel. Drivers demonstrate their love for others through the good their money is able to do in the lives of others. It is important to a driver that they are able to provide a good lifestyle for their family. The greatest weakness of this group is their overdependence on money for self-esteem. They feel a deep sense of inadequacy when they lack money. They can also be somewhat materialistic in their assessment of others, subconsciously rating people’s significance on the basis of their financial status. Drivers would benefit from an acknowledgment that every financial blessing comes from God. This will help them ascribe all the credit to Him, not themselves, and to wholeheartedly respect others for who they are regardless of their financial status.
Security
‘Analytics’ are people who view money as a source of security to protect them from life’s difficulties. They tend to be very structured and organised in their approach to money and are the most likely to establish a budget and stick to it. Analytics tend to be savers and they feel more in control of their lives when they have money stored away for eventualities. Analytics are more concerned about securing the future than enjoying the present and they show their love for their family by saving and planning for the future. They can sometimes come across as being insensitive to the immediate needs of others and even to the voice of God in money matters as they find it difficult to entertain any deviation from their predefined money-agenda for anything they have not planned for. Analytics need to understand that God is their ultimate security, and to learn to depend on Him as their source and protection.
Love
The third group Doyle identified are ‘Amiables’. As the name suggests, money means love to the Amiable. Relationships and people are the focus of their financial agenda. Money is seen as a means of expressing love and affection to others. Consequently, Amiables feel like a lack of money to spend on others threatens their ability to express affection. They delight in spending money on treats and surprises for others. The downside of Amiables’ kindness and generosity is that they are often poor money managers who engage in very little, if any, long-term financial planning. They would empty their bank accounts at the drop of a hat to relieve someone else’s financial burden, sometimes at the expense of their own family. Amiables need a good dose of financial wisdom from the book of Proverbs to help them steward their God-given resources more carefully.
Acceptance
‘Expressives’ are people for whom money translates into acceptance and respect. Subconsciously they feel like money earns them the admiration of others. Expressives are often connectors and money to them provides a basis for relationships with people they want to be connected to. They tend to believe that money can solve most problems and open most doors. They are the ones most likely to pick up the bill for everyone else at a restaurant, whether or not they can afford it, because they like the feeling of respect and popularity that comes with spending money on others. The downside to this approach is that they have a tendency to try to buy favour and also feel like their acceptance with others is threatened by a lack of money. Expressives need to understand that their ultimate acceptance comes from God and His favour cannot be bought. This will free them from trying too hard to impress others.
What to do about money differences with your spouse
Chances are that you and your spouse have different money languages and this is why couples tend to fight over money. An Amiable may want to spend today building memories with an enjoyable family holiday while the analytical partner wants to save that money for a future rainy day. Or a Driver wants to send their children to the best and most expensive schools while the Expressive wants to spend money on their extended family. Conflicting values lead to conflicting desires.
The important thing to remember is that there is something positive to learn from all the money languages but there are also inherent weaknesses in all of them. If you and your spouse had the same money language, you would have the same weaknesses so you should breathe a sigh of relief if you are completely different. Differences introduce balance into marriage and with understanding they can be a source of strength. Here are some steps you can take to ensure harmony in how you and your spouse handle finances:
- Establish that because you both have a stake, you should both have a say in the way your joint finances are spent. Even if there is only one earner in the family, you still both have an equal say because that’s what marriage means from God’s perspective. ‘The two shall become one’ includes your finances. It goes against God’s plan for marriage for one party to attempt to dominate the other financially.
- Accept that your money language is not perfect and has potential weaknesses. This will help you to open up to your spouse’s perspective which can provide balance.
- Accept and respect your spouse’s money language and listen to their concerns when a money decision needs to be made. Validating your spouse’s point of view by listening and showing understanding will make it easier for you both to come to agreement on money matters.
- Don’t make unilateral money decisions without the input of your spouse as that exposes you to risky choices based on only one perspective. Aim for agreement on every major expenditure as this will promote harmony in your home.
- Remember that everything comes from God and you are only stewards of the finances He gives you. Be prayerful about the financial decisions you make as a couple, allowing God to lead you into making wise choices.
What changes do you need to make to avoid the weaknesses of your money language? How can you adapt to your spouse’s money language?
