Trust is the bedrock of a stable marriage. Without it, vulnerability is an uphill task. Yet, vulnerability is a prerequisite for a successful marriage because in order to open up and truly love and be loved by someone, you must believe that your heart is safe in their keeping. Trust cannot be demanded; it is a gift that is earned. The early stages of a relationship are based on risking a little bit of ourselves and watching how the other person responds.
Picture yourself and your partner trying to assemble a lovely glass ornament together. You hand them the first precious piece of that ornament and observe what they do with it. If they handle it carefully, admiring its beauty, you confidently hand them the next piece. They gingerly put the two pieces together, raising the unfinished work up to the light to appreciate its beauty, and you feel safe. You are confident enough to trust them with the next piece, and the next, until the ornament is complete. If at any stage your partner disdains a precious piece of that ornament which you have handed to them, tossing it in the bin or smashing it on the floor, chances are you will be unwilling to hand them the next piece. They never get to complete the ornament. Even a completed ornament can be shattered at any stage in the relationship. This is how fragile trust can be. Trust is earned over time but it can be lost in the fraction of a moment. While broken trust can be rebuilt, it takes a lot of time and testing to recover what has been lost.
Before you bestow your trust upon someone, they must demonstrate that they are worthy of it. You should be able to trust that your partner’s word is their bond; that what they say and what they do are congruent; that where they said they were going is exactly where they went; that the way they spent their time is as you were told; that they will not conceal from you who they were with or mislead you as to what they have spent. Trust is built on truth. When deception enters a relationship, it tampers with the very foundations of that relationship. If your partner gives you cause to doubt their integrity when you are in a courtship, marriage will only magnify the problem. Whatever you do, do not compromise on this element of your relationship. The last thing you need is to be in a marriage where you constantly feel the need to be on guard. Deep down inside, even the most daring and adventurous individual craves safety and permanence in their closest relationships. We want to be certain that the other person will always be there for us. In an uncertain world, we seek a secure space in which we can be ourselves and be confident that we will be loved as we are, always. If your relationship is to stand the chance of surviving, let alone thriving, trust is non-negotiable.
On the other hand, being in a relationship with someone who finds it difficult to trust can be emotionally exhausting. Trust is closely linked to our beliefs about honesty and faithfulness. A person who expects dishonesty in a relationship will create it even where it does not exist. If your partner has underlying questions about your capacity for faithfulness, he or she will be unable to trust you completely, even where there is no reason to doubt you. Very often, inability to trust is a construct of past experiences. An insecure childhood or traumatic relationships in the past can create an aversion to vulnerability and an attitude of suspicion. The default position of such a person is that you are always guilty until proven innocent. They often suspect the worst until their fears are proven to be unfounded. 1 John 4:18 (NIV) makes it clear that fear and love cannot cohabit. ‘There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.’ I once had to counsel a young wife whose love was being suffocated by her husband’s distrust. He would not let her work because she would be in constant contact with other men. When he was away he would call her constantly to check where she was, and call the neighbours to check that she was actually at home when she said she was. He would lose his temper if he saw her talking to another man. The list went on and on. Mistrust is an unhealthy footing from which to attempt to build a healthy relationship.
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is compulsively jealous and suspicious of your every move, the underlying script running that person’s mind is fear, not love. If you have to keep proving yourself over and over again because of your partner’s insecurities, you will both miss out on the freedom that love affords you. Deep-seated trust issues can be alleviated through sound counsel from the word and prayer. However, if your partner is in denial and feels entirely justified in needing to track your every move and forensically search your mobile phone every time you meet for evidence of unfaithfulness, you might need to reconsider the viability of such a relationship. If trust is absent, the demise of the relationship is only a matter of time.
What are your thoughts about building trust in a relationship? What experiences have you had? Please share your views with me on Facebook or Twitter.
