Why domestic abuse is never right

Sharon was a God-loving, go-getting, hard-driving, ambitious woman with grand dreams of conquering the world. She had all her plans carefully laid out. She would own her own business by 35, hit her first million by 37, exponentially grow her business and by 40 she would branch out into real estate acquisition. Her ultimate goal was to make millions, not for herself, but to provide a better life for orphaned children in her community. She had felt the pain of being parent-less and passed from relative to relative with no real stability growing up. She knew what it felt like to go to bed hungry and cold. No child should ever have to go through what she went through growing up. She was determined to do everything in her power to rescue, nurture and care for as many orphans as she could. Mark was a stable, godly, focused man with the ministry on his mind. For as long as he could remember, he had always felt a divine call to be a missionary. Reaching unreached people-groups was his consuming passion. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to spend his life preaching, teaching and pastoring in an island community where no Christian church existed. He was committed to living among these forgotten people and reflecting the light and love of Jesus to them. Then Mark met Sharon. They fell in love, had a whirlwind courtship, got married…and reality struck. You can already tell where their story is heading. Wondering what became of Mark and Sharon? We will never find out because they are entirely fictional but their story illustrates a point which I have observed graphically playing out in some marriages. It is entirely possible to fall in love with someone who shares your Christian values but whose life values are wildly different from yours. Your values manifest in two different ways; what is right and what is wrong in your view, and what matters to you most. The dictionary supports this distinction in our understanding of values. Values could refer to the principles or standards of behaviour which you subscribe to, including your commitment to live by Biblical standards, but on the other hand values could equally refer to your judgement of what is important in life. Sometimes Christian singles are encouraged to pursue a relationship with someone because they are both Christians and want to please God with their lives, ignoring the fact that pleasing God means different things to different people. Your desire to please God will play out differently in your life compared to the person who sits next to you in Church on Sunday, based on your values. Your assignment is to find someone whose life values align closely to yours so that you can both stay true to your values in marriage. To some people, pleasing God simply means living a quiet life raising their families in a godly manner. Others want to go out in the marketplace, business, politics or academia and make a big difference as leaders. Yet others want to dedicate their lives fully to God’s work in some form of ministry, caring spiritually for a lost and dying world. None of these approaches is more noble than the next; they’re just different. What is right for one person may not be right for the other. It’s all a question of what matters to you and how God wired you internally. Amos 3:3 makes a succinct statement in this regard. “Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?” In other words, before you hitch your wagon to someone else’s vehicle, ask yourself “Are we heading in the same direction?” If someone is heading for Australia and the other person is heading for Austria, the destinations sound similar but the direction of travel for those two countries is completely different. The destination you intend to arrive will determine the route you choose to travel in life. If you get in the same vehicle with someone going in a different direction, one of three things will happen; you will arrive at your desired destination and they won’t, they will arrive at their desired destination and you won’t, or neither of you will arrive at your preferred destination. When people fall in love and emotions are running high, it’s easy to think that these things don’t matter, or that they will sort themselves out with time. Twenty years of counselling married couples suggests otherwise to me. When the music stops and the stars fall out of their eyes, reality collides with fantasy as they slowly come to terms with the fact that one or both of them will need to compromise on their values for the survival of their marriage, and compromise you must. If you are already married to someone whose values are diametrically opposed to yours, compromise is your only option because in God’s eyes the survival of your marriage has to take precedence over your closely held dreams. When I think about my life and the things that drive me daily, I realise how blessed I am to be married to a man who is driven by a similar impetus. He encourages me to fulfil God’s call for my life because it aligns with God’s call on His life. Our values are congruent. I shudder to think what my life would have been like if I had married a man who dances to the beat of a different drum. I would have had to lay aside all the possibilities before me to embrace a different future. It would have been a painful but inescapable compromise. Values are critical because they influence how you choose to spend your energy, where you invest your time and how you allocate your money. Consequently, if your values are fundamentally different from your spouse’s, you may love each other but you will not be able to enjoy living with each other until you have made deep and necessary compromises. There will be many fault-lines and potential battlegrounds where you will disagree and there will be no ‘right’ answer. If you want different things in life but you want to be in each other’s lives, something will have to give. You will either have to be faithful to your love or faithful to your values; the best marriages occur when you can be both at the same time.  If you’re considering getting married to someone, spend time exploring with them what their values are. Ask questions and read between the lines of every conversation, trying to sense what matters to them. Crucially, observe their lifestyle. A person’s values are more eloquently conveyed by the life they live than the words they speak. When you observe the trajectory of someone’s life, where they will land is predictable. An oak tree doesn’t become one overnight, but the leaves of the tiny seedling will tell you what it’s future holds. Ask…listen…observe, and above all else be prayerful.

It is a well-known statistic that money consistently features as one of the top three triggers for a breakdown in marriages. It is therefore no surprise to me that my most-vi ewed video on Facebook so far relates to money. Money is not just notes and coins; it is such a powerful force that even Jesus acknowledged that the strongest competitor with God for human hearts and allegiance is money. Matthew 6:24 highlights this: ‘No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.’ Money means different things to different people and usually it is what money represents that couples fight over, rather than the money itself. To some, money signifies the opportunity to make a contribution to the lives of others; to others it represents status, the opportunity to gain control, respect, power, fame; to others it represents a world of options. Money in itself is amoral; it is neither good nor bad but it can promote either virtue or vice in the hands of a person. Having money really doesn’t change people; it simply reveals who we are, for good or bad. Nowhere is this more evident than in marriage. Money in itself is not the problem in marriage. It is simply a manifestation of the spirit of the marriage. Money brings out more of who you are. Your attitude to life is amplified by your money. Money will enable you to be more of who you are: selfish or generous, considerate or self-centred, trusting or suspicious. Rooting out unhealthy money attitudes and replacing them with healthy attitudes is one of the most important investments you can make in your marriage. Below are a number of steps you can take to set yourselves on a good financial footing in your marriage. Replace ‘me’ with ‘we’ Selfishness is one of the biggest triggers for money related conflicts in the marriage. The premise on which biblical marriage is based is covenant. Covenant means that you pool resources and liabilities; your strengths compensate for each other’s weaknesses. As long as there are walls of division between your finances, it is impossible to achieve true unity; you are not truly one until your money is one. This demands going beyond paying lip service to unity and actually seeing each other as financial partners. Marriage is not supposed to be run like two separate corporations under the same roof. This does not necessarily mean having joint accounts, but it means that both parties are aware of what is coming in and what is going out of the family. It also means that through continuous practice you have learnt to communicate effectively about money which leads to my second point. Stop keeping secrets Keeping financial secrets is never a good idea in marriage. The minute couples begin to hide pay rises, bank accounts, expenditure and debts from each other, disunity, division and distrust sets in. Every marriage needs a healthy balance between financial autonomy and financial accountability and you need to agree as a couple where that balance lies. As adults we all need a certain amount of discretionary spending money such that we don’t have to justify every little expense to our spouse. Depending on what your family income is, you need to agree as a couple how much you can spend without consulting each other. As a rule of thumb, major purchases should be a product of joint decision making, although what constitutes major in one family can be a minor expense in another. This is why dialogue is so crucial. In the words of Larry Burkett, the noted Christian author on finances, ‘Money is either the best or worst area of communication in a marriage’ . If you can’t trust each other financially, this is an issue that needs to be worked through with a counsellor or it will eat at the heart of your marriage and rob you of your sense of unity and oneness. Agree a budget and stick to it Where there is no budget, a business will perish and the same can be said for marriage. The downfall of many couples is the unwillingness to take an honest look from time to time at where their money is being spent and whether that represents good financial stewardship. Many Christians mistakenly believe that budgeting is a faithless exercise. Yet Jesus Himself taught the exact opposite. In Luke 14: 28-29 He states, ‘Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you.’ I find it instructive that Jesus assumes the wisdom of budgeting our resources should be obvious. Similarly, financial planning is a theme that runs through the entire book of Proverbs written by King Solomon, one of the wealthiest men who ever lived. The absence of a financial plan is evidence of the absence of a financial vision for your family. When you agree as a couple how you want to manage your finances from month to month, and what your long term goals are, a lot of stress and conflict can be eliminated from your marriage. Understand temperament differences The way we choose to spend our money is a reflection of our money-values. We spend on what we cherish. Usually couples have different money languages and this can be the start of many conflicts if not properly handled. In my article, ‘Why couples really fight over money’ , I explore in detail the four basic money languages and how they influence our spending patterns. Once you identify you and your partner’s money languages, that knowledge forms a basis for coming to a better of understanding of how to harmonise the two for the benefit of your family. There is often strength in diversity and your differences, when harnessed appropriately, can cease to be flash points and become foundational in building a stable financial future.

Many times people fail in marriage not because they don’t have what it takes but because they don’t know what it takes. You have what it takes to make your marriage successful but you must equip yourself with the right knowledge.

Your marriage has every chance of success. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It does not matter whose marriage you have seen fail or what the statistics say. Your marriage can absolutely succeed if you are both prepared to give it 100%.

Are you cultivating closeness or distance in your marriage? You see, closeness is not a natural consequence of marriage. It takes work.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you had to make a difficult choice between your culture and your Christianity? Do you ever feel like the ideas, customs, and norms you have grown up with are diametrically opposed to something you have just encountered in scripture? Welcome to the frontier where culture and Christianity clash on a daily basis in the lives of people who love God and are seeking to please Him.

On 6 January 2018, my husband and I celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary. The time seems to have flown! I can vividly remember the evening of 10 January 1989, on our university campus, when he popped the question. I was only 18 and he was 22 going on 23. An improbable relationship. The statistical probability of such a youthful relationship working out was very low I would think. Furthermore, his proposal was followed by a 7-year courtship while I finished my first and second degrees in Architecture and he, having completed his Engineering degree, went off into the world of work. It was a long distance relationship for six years…another reason why it shouldn’t have worked, but it did! As I write this, on the day before our anniversary, I am seated on the balcony of our hotel room in Fuerteventura, the second largest of the Canary Islands with lots of sun, sea, glorious beaches and friendly locals willing to greet you with a lively ‘Hola!’ at every turn. I spent most of our flight over here thanking God for His faithfulness through the years and reflecting on how we made it this far…despite the odds. I have tried to distil the distinguishing characteristics of our relationship which helped us navigate through different seasons of life and still remain in love, so that I can share them with you, because I believe you can also have the beautiful marriage you dream of. Three factors readily come to mind: Clarity My husband and I always had clarity about what the relationship meant to both of us, from the start. His proposal was clear – ‘I love you and I want to marry you’ . There was no room for posturing or pretending; no ambiguity about his intentions. He was clear with what he was proposing; I was clear about what I was accepting. There was no ring, no fanfare, no frills – just absolute clarity. I am eternally grateful for that. I honestly believe that ambiguity is one of the greatest threats facing Christian relationships today. People drift into emotional relationships without a thought as to whether or not they can see themselves married to this person. I frequently receive mail from ladies agonising about the status of their relationship. ‘Are we in a relationship or are we not?’ ‘Does he love me or does he not?’ ‘We’ve been in a relationship for three years – how can I get him to commit?’ This sorry situation is not entirely the creation of men. Romantic fantasies fuelled by Hollywood are placing untold pressure on sincere, godly men who have to come up with some spectacular proposal and an exotic diamond ring to be considered serious by some ladies. Unless we return to basics and learn to establish clarity as early as possible in a relationship, we will not be able to recapture the beauty of fresh, unpretentious love. This continued cloud of ambiguity hanging over relationships seems to have led to an increase in opportunistic behaviour. People have no assurances about the future of a relationship so they focus on extracting short term rewards. There are women who expect the men in their lives to meet their every financial need, even if there’s no promise of a future together. Then there are men who seek a woman to take care of them with no strings attached. In my view, it’s unfair to place expectations on a person without a commitment to that person. To seek to dominate a person’s focus, time and attention without a commensurate commitment to them is unjust. To monopolise a person’s affections with no interest in making a lifelong commitment to them is questionable at best. If you drag out the process of relating closely to someone you will find that you slide into an emotional relationship by default rather than choosing that person deliberately. Two years is a very long time in the life of a person – especially a woman of marriageable age. If it has taken you an entire year to agonise over whether a person is meant to be in your life or not, it’s either that you have poor spiritual instincts or you are trying to persuade yourself that what is not, is. A third option might be that you are fear-driven and seeking a perfect person or perfect conditions before you make a commitment. Commitment Once you have clarity about your relationship, back it up with commitment. Commitment means you burn the bridges behind you, you exclude distractions, and you focus on building this one relationship. If your relationship fails before you make it to the altar, it should not be because you got carried away by distractions from without. It should only be because you discovered something from within that meant that your relationship was no longer tenable. For many Christian couples, dating has become the grey area where they claim the privileges of an exclusive relationship while shopping around for better prospects. When you are committed, you have a different perspective that sets you up for success in your relationship. Because you are single-minded, your relationship will weather the inevitable storms better. I had many proposals before and after my husband but once my choice was made, I was so focused on making the relationship work that every other distraction faded into oblivion. He had many opportunities to be distracted after he left me in school and went off to work, but his commitment kept him. That’s why I trust him implicitly today. Cultivating this committed mindset is what will protect the integrity of your marriage in the future. There will always be someone prettier, more handsome, smarter, funnier, richer, if your eyes are roaming. If your eyes are focused you will see none of that. As long as you persist in the searching mindset, you will continue to experience dissatisfaction in your current relationship because you will constantly be making comparisons between the person you have chosen and others you encounter along the way. Comparison sows the seeds of dissatisfaction in a relationship and sets you up for comparison in marriage. Commitment requires a faithful heart. That’s what you should cultivate and that’s what you should look for in a potential spouse. If every time you turn your back your fiancé or fiancée is cultivating side relationships which compete with your relationship, he or she may struggle with commitment even after marriage. Exclusivity should be a given in any committed relationship. You protect the exclusivity of your relationship by announcing it frequently, guarding your heart diligently and disconnecting from people who threaten the integrity of your relationship. Any friends you both have should be left in no doubt that your fiancé or fiancée comes first and you’re not open to alternative advances or proposals. Curiosity A hunger to learn is an indispensable asset in a relationship. Healthy curiosity means you have a willingness to challenge the norms and discover new things about the person you love, and what makes them happy. Never assume that you know all that it takes to build a successful marriage. The moment you lose your curiosity, you lose your edge. I am always amazed at the audacity of couples heading towards marriage who have never taken the time to study what it takes to bring out the best in their spouse. 1 Peter 3:7 encourages husband to ‘dwell with their wives according to knowledge.’ This is a great maxim for all marriage partners to live by. I have always had a fascination with marriage and what makes it work. My husband is an equally curious person so we have both spent time over the years to open our hearts and minds to ideas that will help us be better lovers of each other. From the inception of our relationship we read marriage books together and we listened to teachings from relationship experts. That attitude persists till today, even though we’ve been happily married for 22 years. Be driven in your pursuit of knowledge that will help you understand your spouse better. As your spouse evolves and your marriage grows, your spouse’s needs will change as well. Different seasons of life present different challenges and opportunities. Your knowledge base and your understanding of your spouse should be growing, otherwise your marriage will grow stale. The fact that you understood your spouse five years ago is no guarantee that you understand them now, if you don’t maintain your curiosity and tune in to truly see and understand what their current needs are. Study your wife or husband. What makes them unique? What makes them tick? How can you bring out the best in them? Ask them questions that demonstrate that you truly want to understand and love them better with each passing year. When we are old and grey, I can picture my husband and I, hand in hand, listening, leaning in, learning and growing. I pray the same for you.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment that requires more than dreams and high hopes—it demands preparation, wisdom, and practical skills. Many enter marriage unprepared, only to face challenges that could have been avoided with intentional effort beforehand. Preparation is key to building a strong foundation, aligning your expectations, and equipping yourself for the journey ahead. Have you taken the time to learn what the Bible says about marriage? Are you growing in the skills and understanding needed to thrive as a partner? The effort you invest now reflects the value you place on your future marriage and positions you for lasting success when the opportunity arises.

Is your spouse your dream maker or your debtor? For many couples, somewhere between ‘I do’ and your first marital argument your desires have transitioned from the realm of dreams and crystallised into expectations. ‘This is what a wife should do’ or ‘This is how a husband should behave’ becomes the script that runs your marriage. If you want to experience all the joy that God designed for you to have in marriage, it starts with winding back your expectations. The reality is that no marriage can thrive under the weight of another person’s expectations. Release your spouse from the weight of expectations and let them become your dream-maker.