Raising future-proof children

Tomi Toluhi

Our world has changed; our parenting must change too. Our children face challenges that we could never have dreamed up in our wildest imaginations when we were growing up. In order for them to thrive in their fast-paced, technology-driven world, the strongest anchor we can impart to our children is a set of strong values firmly rooted in God’s Word. However, as timeless as those values are, we need to rethink our strategy for passing them on to our children. We cannot expect to prepare them for tomorrow’s world with yesterday’s techniques.  The world is changing at such a rapid pace that it is difficult to imagine what twenty years in the future will look like. Rapid and profound technological change inevitably leads to equally profound social and cultural change. Will your children be ready for their world when they leave your home?

Our call to action is to be forward thinking in our approach to raising our children mindful that we are preparing them to be stable, responsible adults in a world that will be infinitely more complex and dynamic than the one we are currently in. God is unequivocal about the responsibility that faces us as parents. Malachi 2:25 lays down the challenge; ‘God made husbands and wives to become one body and one spirit for His purpose — so they would have children who are true to God.’ Even if you have found yourself in a situation where you are parenting alone, that responsibility does not diminish. Here are twelve things you can do to raise children who are future-ready.

1. Leverage the power of technology
If you have young children, you have no excuse not to understand technology. The power of technology, the online world and social media has a stronger impact on your children than you could ever imagine. The walls between your family and the outside world have been blurred by new technology. There was a time when you could easily monitor what your children were watching on TV and listening to on the radio. Now the situation is so much more complex. The world is available to your children at the touch of a button if they have a mobile phone. This week, a BBC survey of more than 2,000 five to 16-year-olds revealed that time spent online has overtaken TV among youngsters for the first time ever. The solution is not to take technology away from them, but to shape the way it affects them. Technology is great when used properly and it is the way of the future. Children who are not tech-savvy will find themselves at a significant disadvantage relative to their peers when they enter the world of work. You must understand the benefits and dangers of technology to be able to articulate them to your children. We don’t ban cars because they cause accidents, we teach people to be safe drivers. Share safe online practices with your children; introduce them to websites with godly content; make sure they have ready access to uplifting music even if the beat is not to your taste! Above all, let them know what kind of content does not glorify God and why. That way you equip them to be able to make responsible choices in your absence.

2. Show, don’t just tell
Children learn better by example than by precept. You are not just called to be a teacher to your children but also to be a mentor. The power of mentoring is in demonstrated behaviour. If you want to teach your children to pray, let them come alongside you and watch you pray. Let them be witnesses to your relationship with God. Bring them alongside you and show them the principles of prayer. Faith is contagious. Whoever coined the phrase, ‘Faith is caught, not taught’ knew what they were talking about. The Apostle Paul referenced this contagious faith in 1 Timothy 1:5 in an intimate letter he wrote to his protégé Timothy, ‘I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.’ Faith is transferable, but only through a deliberate process of impartation by both precept and example.

3. Help them develop a personal walk with God
By all means share your faith with your children but help them to develop theirs. By the time your children leave home, they should be fully equipped with a living, breathing relationship with God. They should have their own routine for personal Bible study and prayer, they should have their own record of answered prayers and personal miracles, and they should know what they believe and why. For some years I struggled with the fact that my children were seemingly uninterested in the messages and books of the pivotal ministers who impacted my husband’s life and mine as we grew up. Now I have discovered the secret of pointing them in the direction of contemporary ministries that speak in a language they can understand and identify with. Our children’s walk with God now has a personal flavour to it. They have their own favourite ministries, they know how to find wholesome teaching for their own spiritual growth and, very importantly, when they have questions or hear something controversial, they know that they can speak up and question their Dad or me about those issues.

4. Don’t just give rules, give reasons
 Life is cause and effect. Our children need to be able to make that link. ‘Because I said so…’ is no longer a good enough reason for your children to obey you. Whenever God lays down instructions, He explains the reasons why and outlines the consequences of disobedience. To be successful at parenting we need to follow His example. Explain to your children why you expect them to obey certain rules, show them that boundaries are for their protection and make clear the consequences of not listening to you. When children have clear reasons, they are in a better position to withstand temptation and negative peer pressure. They understand why they do what they do and that gives them staying power.

5. Give them a voice
 My generation was taught to accept authority without question. That worked for the world I grew up in, but it does not necessarily work in the 21 st Century. If you teach your children that their voice does not matter, they will go out into the world with very little confidence.  Our children must learn to stand up for what they believe in in a world of relativity where there are no longer any absolutes. If we don’t give them a voice at home, they will struggle to find their voice when they go out into the world. Consciously seek your children’s opinions, even when you think you have all the right answers. That way you are communicating to them that their opinions matter in this world; that society is not always right – and in fact very often wrong. Isaiah 7:9 declares, ‘If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.’ Raise them to be comfortable standing alone with their convictions because they will often have to do that in the world they will face.

6. Give them the benefit of your wisdom
Let your children learn from your mistakes. Don’t pretend you’re perfect. Children respond to authenticity. Today’s children do not buy the myth of infallible parents. They can deal with heroes with faults and scars, as long as you’re honest. Your past mistakes which you would prefer to hide are the very reason you are qualified to impart wisdom to your children. There is no point in reinventing the wheel. Your children can rise higher than you ever did on the back of your experience; share it with them. When the next generation benefits from your mistakes, they cease to be costly mistakes and become valuable experience. Open up to your children and help them see what you have learnt on your life’s journey. Seize teachable moments when situations arise and share your wisdom with your children, whether in the area of faith, finances or relationships. They will respect you for it and they will be in a better position to make wiser decisions.

Couple getting married in sunset

Questions to ask before and after you say 'I do'

By Tomi Toluhi • March 22, 2025
The decision of who to marry is potentially one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life. Who you marry will significantly impact upon the outcome of your life - who you become, what you can accomplish and how fulfilling your life will be. Here are six crucial questions that you should ask before and after you say "I do."
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The Analytic Money Personality and the Security money language

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Welcome to the world of the Analytic where money means security. Saving and planning for the future are the focus of the Analytic’s financial agenda. Money is seen as a means to protect them and their loved ones from life’s difficulties and prepare for the future.
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The Amiable Money Personality and the Love money language

By Tomi Toluhi • March 22, 2025
Welcome to the world of the Amiable where money means love. Relationships and people are the focus of the Amiable’s financial agenda. Money is seen as a means of expressing love and affection to others.
Tomi Toluhi on how your money language shapes your marriage

Money languages in marriage

By Tomi Toluhi • March 22, 2025
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Money matters in marriage

By Tomi Toluhi • March 22, 2025
Join Tomi and Martins Toluhi for the replay of an engaging live Zoom event designed to help couples navigate the often-challenging topic of money in marriage. During this session, you'll learn how to improve financial communication, and build a stronger, more united approach to managing finances together.
Tomi Toluhi on money ideas for marriage

Money ideas for marriage

By Tomi Toluhi • March 22, 2025
Do you ever feel like money has created a barrier between you and your spouse? Maybe arguments flare up over budgeting—one of you saves while the other spends—or you feel nervous to even suggest spending. It’s as if you both see money completely differently, and before you know it, finances are creating conflict instead of connection. The truth is, money can be one of the most challenging aspects of any relationship. But understanding the unique way you and your spouse view money can drastically improve the strength of your connection and sense of harmony in marriage. Here are three things that could transform your marriage and help you build greater financial intimacy.
A man is carrying a woman on his back and they are laughing.

Why Values in Marriage Matter

By Tomi Toluhi • December 18, 2024
Sharon was a God-loving, go-getting, hard-driving, ambitious woman with grand dreams of conquering the world. She had all her plans carefully laid out. She would own her own business by 35, hit her first million by 37, exponentially grow her business and by 40 she would branch out into real estate acquisition. Her ultimate goal was to make millions, not for herself, but to provide a better life for orphaned children in her community. She had felt the pain of being parent-less and passed from relative to relative with no real stability growing up. She knew what it felt like to go to bed hungry and cold. No child should ever have to go through what she went through growing up. She was determined to do everything in her power to rescue, nurture and care for as many orphans as she could. Mark was a stable, godly, focused man with the ministry on his mind. For as long as he could remember, he had always felt a divine call to be a missionary. Reaching unreached people-groups was his consuming passion. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to spend his life preaching, teaching and pastoring in an island community where no Christian church existed. He was committed to living among these forgotten people and reflecting the light and love of Jesus to them. Then Mark met Sharon. They fell in love, had a whirlwind courtship, got married…and reality struck. You can already tell where their story is heading. Wondering what became of Mark and Sharon? We will never find out because they are entirely fictional but their story illustrates a point which I have observed graphically playing out in some marriages. It is entirely possible to fall in love with someone who shares your Christian values but whose life values are wildly different from yours. Your values manifest in two different ways; what is right and what is wrong in your view, and what matters to you most. The dictionary supports this distinction in our understanding of values. Values could refer to the principles or standards of behaviour which you subscribe to, including your commitment to live by Biblical standards, but on the other hand values could equally refer to your judgement of what is important in life. Sometimes Christian singles are encouraged to pursue a relationship with someone because they are both Christians and want to please God with their lives, ignoring the fact that pleasing God means different things to different people. Your desire to please God will play out differently in your life compared to the person who sits next to you in Church on Sunday, based on your values. Your assignment is to find someone whose life values align closely to yours so that you can both stay true to your values in marriage. To some people, pleasing God simply means living a quiet life raising their families in a godly manner. Others want to go out in the marketplace, business, politics or academia and make a big difference as leaders. Yet others want to dedicate their lives fully to God’s work in some form of ministry, caring spiritually for a lost and dying world. None of these approaches is more noble than the next; they’re just different. What is right for one person may not be right for the other. It’s all a question of what matters to you and how God wired you internally. Amos 3:3 makes a succinct statement in this regard. “Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?” In other words, before you hitch your wagon to someone else’s vehicle, ask yourself “Are we heading in the same direction?” If someone is heading for Australia and the other person is heading for Austria, the destinations sound similar but the direction of travel for those two countries is completely different. The destination you intend to arrive will determine the route you choose to travel in life. If you get in the same vehicle with someone going in a different direction, one of three things will happen; you will arrive at your desired destination and they won’t, they will arrive at their desired destination and you won’t, or neither of you will arrive at your preferred destination. When people fall in love and emotions are running high, it’s easy to think that these things don’t matter, or that they will sort themselves out with time. Twenty years of counselling married couples suggests otherwise to me. When the music stops and the stars fall out of their eyes, reality collides with fantasy as they slowly come to terms with the fact that one or both of them will need to compromise on their values for the survival of their marriage, and compromise you must. If you are already married to someone whose values are diametrically opposed to yours, compromise is your only option because in God’s eyes the survival of your marriage has to take precedence over your closely held dreams. When I think about my life and the things that drive me daily, I realise how blessed I am to be married to a man who is driven by a similar impetus. He encourages me to fulfil God’s call for my life because it aligns with God’s call on His life. Our values are congruent. I shudder to think what my life would have been like if I had married a man who dances to the beat of a different drum. I would have had to lay aside all the possibilities before me to embrace a different future. It would have been a painful but inescapable compromise. Values are critical because they influence how you choose to spend your energy, where you invest your time and how you allocate your money. Consequently, if your values are fundamentally different from your spouse’s, you may love each other but you will not be able to enjoy living with each other until you have made deep and necessary compromises. There will be many fault-lines and potential battlegrounds where you will disagree and there will be no ‘right’ answer. If you want different things in life but you want to be in each other’s lives, something will have to give. You will either have to be faithful to your love or faithful to your values; the best marriages occur when you can be both at the same time.  If you’re considering getting married to someone, spend time exploring with them what their values are. Ask questions and read between the lines of every conversation, trying to sense what matters to them. Crucially, observe their lifestyle. A person’s values are more eloquently conveyed by the life they live than the words they speak. When you observe the trajectory of someone’s life, where they will land is predictable. An oak tree doesn’t become one overnight, but the leaves of the tiny seedling will tell you what it’s future holds. Ask…listen…observe, and above all else be prayerful.

Four Keys to Financial Unity in Marriage

By Tomi Toluhi • December 6, 2024
It is a well-known statistic that money consistently features as one of the top three triggers for a breakdown in marriages. It is therefore no surprise to me that my most-vi ewed video on Facebook so far relates to money. Money is not just notes and coins; it is such a powerful force that even Jesus acknowledged that the strongest competitor with God for human hearts and allegiance is money. Matthew 6:24 highlights this: ‘No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.’ Money means different things to different people and usually it is what money represents that couples fight over, rather than the money itself. To some, money signifies the opportunity to make a contribution to the lives of others; to others it represents status, the opportunity to gain control, respect, power, fame; to others it represents a world of options. Money in itself is amoral; it is neither good nor bad but it can promote either virtue or vice in the hands of a person. Having money really doesn’t change people; it simply reveals who we are, for good or bad. Nowhere is this more evident than in marriage. Money in itself is not the problem in marriage. It is simply a manifestation of the spirit of the marriage. Money brings out more of who you are. Your attitude to life is amplified by your money. Money will enable you to be more of who you are: selfish or generous, considerate or self-centred, trusting or suspicious. Rooting out unhealthy money attitudes and replacing them with healthy attitudes is one of the most important investments you can make in your marriage. Below are a number of steps you can take to set yourselves on a good financial footing in your marriage. Replace ‘me’ with ‘we’ Selfishness is one of the biggest triggers for money related conflicts in the marriage. The premise on which biblical marriage is based is covenant. Covenant means that you pool resources and liabilities; your strengths compensate for each other’s weaknesses. As long as there are walls of division between your finances, it is impossible to achieve true unity; you are not truly one until your money is one. This demands going beyond paying lip service to unity and actually seeing each other as financial partners. Marriage is not supposed to be run like two separate corporations under the same roof. This does not necessarily mean having joint accounts, but it means that both parties are aware of what is coming in and what is going out of the family. It also means that through continuous practice you have learnt to communicate effectively about money which leads to my second point. Stop keeping secrets Keeping financial secrets is never a good idea in marriage. The minute couples begin to hide pay rises, bank accounts, expenditure and debts from each other, disunity, division and distrust sets in. Every marriage needs a healthy balance between financial autonomy and financial accountability and you need to agree as a couple where that balance lies. As adults we all need a certain amount of discretionary spending money such that we don’t have to justify every little expense to our spouse. Depending on what your family income is, you need to agree as a couple how much you can spend without consulting each other. As a rule of thumb, major purchases should be a product of joint decision making, although what constitutes major in one family can be a minor expense in another. This is why dialogue is so crucial. In the words of Larry Burkett, the noted Christian author on finances, ‘Money is either the best or worst area of communication in a marriage’ . If you can’t trust each other financially, this is an issue that needs to be worked through with a counsellor or it will eat at the heart of your marriage and rob you of your sense of unity and oneness. Agree a budget and stick to it Where there is no budget, a business will perish and the same can be said for marriage. The downfall of many couples is the unwillingness to take an honest look from time to time at where their money is being spent and whether that represents good financial stewardship. Many Christians mistakenly believe that budgeting is a faithless exercise. Yet Jesus Himself taught the exact opposite. In Luke 14: 28-29 He states, ‘Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you.’ I find it instructive that Jesus assumes the wisdom of budgeting our resources should be obvious. Similarly, financial planning is a theme that runs through the entire book of Proverbs written by King Solomon, one of the wealthiest men who ever lived. The absence of a financial plan is evidence of the absence of a financial vision for your family. When you agree as a couple how you want to manage your finances from month to month, and what your long term goals are, a lot of stress and conflict can be eliminated from your marriage. Understand temperament differences The way we choose to spend our money is a reflection of our money-values. We spend on what we cherish. Usually couples have different money languages and this can be the start of many conflicts if not properly handled. In my article, ‘Why couples really fight over money’ , I explore in detail the four basic money languages and how they influence our spending patterns. Once you identify you and your partner’s money languages, that knowledge forms a basis for coming to a better of understanding of how to harmonise the two for the benefit of your family. There is often strength in diversity and your differences, when harnessed appropriately, can cease to be flash points and become foundational in building a stable financial future.

Know this for marriage success

By Tomi Toluhi • December 6, 2024
Many times people fail in marriage not because they don’t have what it takes but because they don’t know what it takes. You have what it takes to make your marriage successful but you must equip yourself with the right knowledge.

Here's Why Your Marriage will Work

By Tomi Toluhi • December 6, 2024
Your marriage has every chance of success. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It does not matter whose marriage you have seen fail or what the statistics say. Your marriage can absolutely succeed if you are both prepared to give it 100%.
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